a christian yogini's guide to surviving in the modern world

busy schedule vs. fat and unhealthy

2011-11-09T15:15:00.000-05:00

So I've been slowly getting back to my regular workouts. Truth be told it's been years since I've worked out regularly and really taken care of myself the way I used to. I became a vegetarian when I was 15 years old and was determined to prove my doctor wrong (he told my mom I was going to get sick and anemic); so I did a lot of research on how to be a healthy vegetarian (note: it's not as hard as you might think). I've also been fairly good about working out regularly and for most of my 20's was in great shape thanks mostly to yoga and the occasional cardio and weight routine. But when I started my business 5 years ago I started to let things slip and then I injured my back and shoulder a few years ago which was then followed by the worse depression I've ever experienced.

Most days I feel like there are not enough hours in the day and so I fully understand the very real feeling of believing you don't have enough time. And I know as well as anyone that there never is a really good reason to not take care of yourself, we can all come up with many but none are ever really valid because no reason not to work out or eat right is more important than your health. None. I made the below to remind myself frequently why making time for myself and my workouts is so important.

In the past few months I've not only gone back to being a vegetarian (I went through a brief period where I ate fish and turkey once in awhile); but I've now taken it one step further and I'm now a vegan. Eating right for your body is definitely a big part to health but exercise plays a HUGE roll, especially as you age. I've been telling myself for months that I need to get back on a regular routine and a few months ago I had planned to do a 30 day Bikram Yoga Challenge but I wasn't able to end up doing it and since then I've kept putting it off for one reason or another. I'm happy to say the excuses stopped this week. Don't get me wrong I tried to find reasons to wait and I'm not bragging because I am all to aware that starting is only half the battle, staying with it is maybe even harder than starting.

I'm doing P90x, I bought it about a year ago and have only done a video here or there (like I said staying with it is the real challenge). I figure P90x is kind of the perfect workout for winter because I can do it from the comfort of my home so not wanting to go out in the cold can't be an excuse as to why I'm not exercising. Plus it's sooooooooooo HARD!

Right now I'm only doing the cardio and stretch. My plan is to do just these two for at least the first week, maybe 2 until it's not quite so challenging and then slowly work in the other workouts. And of course to keep eating healthy. I only want to loose 20lbs (30lbs maximum) but I'm 36 and haven't been taking care of myself for a number of years so it's not going to be easy; but I think I'm finally up for the challenge.

I'll keep you posted on how it's going, even if it's not going well. And feel free to share your health, exercise fitness routines and goals with me; we can support each other. :)

forks over knives

2011-11-08T10:56:00.000-05:00

Forks over Knives is a GREAT documentary about Food that I watched recently. This is a must see even if you're not a vegan or vegetarian. It's filled with lots of great science about food and how it works in our body.

What I really love about this documentary is that these are not your typical vegetarians... an Extreme Fighter, a Fire squad in Texas, a 70 year old breast cancer survivor who still runs marathons, and a scientist and a doctor who both grew up on Dairy farms.

So GOOD, check it out!!! :)

FREE desktop wallpaper for November!

2011-11-01T20:58:00.002-04:00

I designed an adorable whimsical FREE desktop wallpaper design for November in the 4 most common monitor resolutions.

Click Here to download.
Choose the image with your monitor size, click "download" at the bottom right and then set is as your desktop wallpaper (screen saver / background).

Enjoy! :)

bible emergency numbers

2011-10-27T14:52:00.001-04:00

i found this list the other day and decided to make a little design that i could always keep handy. and now i'm sharing it with you all, i hope it serves you too. :)

oh how he loves us.

2011-10-25T14:11:00.003-04:00

i was feeling a little low yesterday so i channeled my energy into designing a few things that would remind me of what's really important.

here's one.
i'll share more over time. :)

Vegan Italian Sausage Recipe

2011-10-21T10:37:00.002-04:00

Even though I'm a vegan, I'm not a big fan of "fake" meat, for the most part I prefer to eat veggies, grains and fruits that are not trying to be something else. However, Christopher recently introduced me to a brand of Vegan Artisan Sausages called Field Roast and they are DELICIOUS! I promise you that even the most die-hard meat eater will enjoy these sausages.

Normally I'd tell you to use whichever ingredients you like but at least for the sausage there really are no substitutes, not just because of how good they are but because like real italian sausage they already come flavored with all the italian spices so you don't need to add any of that.

I apologize that there isn't a picture of the sausage served over pasta, I had meant to take one but when it was finished cooking we were so excited to dig in that I forgot. :)

Tip:
I have a really difficult time cutting onions because they burn my eyes something fierce!

Here's a trick that I've learned to help ease the burn..

help brighten a child's smile

2011-10-11T09:48:00.004-04:00

hi all, so as you know every month i make a donation to a charity organization of my choice; my most recent donation went to Operation Smile. i've donated smaller amounts to them before but last month i decided i wanted to donate the full $240 amount they need to complete an operation and so i decided to combine my september and october donation.

by the grace of God i was not born with a cleft but i did i have a narrow pallet which caused my teeth to be crooked and overlap due to crowding. a few years ago i finally had the money to invest in braces and i am still amazed at the confidence my new smile has given me not to mention how much healthier my mouth and teeth are now that they have the proper room they need. don't get me wrong i am not trying to compare something as minor as crooked crowded teeth to what it must be like to be born with a cleft; i'm simply saying that i do understand how much a new smile can change a life.

which is why i'm now asking for your help to help brighten the smiles of a few more children. please visit my Operation Smile Fund Page and make a donation, whatever you can afford to give helps! do you know that it only takes $240, 45 minutes and a caring team of doctors to correct a deformity that could change a child's future for a lifetime.

a small amount will go a long way!
if just 20 people donated only $12 each, a child's life could be dramatically changed for the better.

Together, We Can Change Lives

Operation Smile mobilizes a world of generous hearts to heal children’s smiles and transform lives across the globe. Operation Smile’s network of volunteers works worldwide to repair childhood facial deformities including cleft lips and cleft palates.

I hope you'll help me bring hope and new smiles to children suffering from facial deformities.

new website

2011-10-08T09:36:00.001-04:00

hey all check out my new website design for www.shaylamccallum.com, i drew all the design elements by hand with bamboo drawing tablet and i'm pretty happy with the soft organic look and feel of it all. :)

let me know what you think...

all around me

2011-10-06T21:25:00.005-04:00

so i actually can't believe that i haven't yet shared any music or videos by my favorite christian rock band, flyleaf; i'd like to rectify that right now. :)

their music is so awesome they're actually one of my favorite bands (christian or otherwise) period. listen and enjoy!!!

and here are the equally awesome lyrics.

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire runs in through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm still alive, I'm still alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm still alive, I'm still alive, We're still alive

And I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry (holy)
The light is white (holy)
And I see you (holy)

I'm alive, I'm still alive, We're still alive

And I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

dc veg fest (good eats and so many treats!)

2011-09-30T18:20:00.003-04:00

so last saturday i spent the day at the dc veg fest and it was pretty awesome! i always enjoy going into the city and what better reason than to go for an event like this. the food was so good, i have to admit we kind of over ate. :) here's a pic christopher took of me while we were waiting in line for our second stop at the sticky fingers bakery booth. see that smile on my face; that's the look of content and a very full belly. : D

there were lots of great vendors there with tons of interesting information but i'm really writing this blog about two of my favorites. sticky fingers bakery and vegan treats. i'm pretty sure the food from these two companies could sway even the most die hard meat eater over the vegan side.here's a little more about each.

first up are dc locals, sticky fingers bakery
i'm lucky because this awesome cage is located in columbia heights, dc; which definitely isn't around the corner from where i live but well worth the 40 minute drive. now i know some of you are probably saying, "sure, she thinks their food is good but she's a vegan" so don't take my word for it; just ask the judges of the food networks, cupcake wars; because sticky fingers is a winner of this tasty competition! oh and don't let the name fool you, they serve much more than just baked goods at their cafe so stop in for lunch or dinner sometime but sure to save room for dessert. ;)

here's a brief overview of their sticky story:

Sticky Fingers is the food-child of Doron Petersan, junk-foodie genius. Living the life as an Italian-Jew from New York-turned-vegan was ever so challenging. Craving traditional guilt laden foods, she was determined to unlock the secrets of creating their animal-free counterparts for everyone to enjoy. With a degree in nutrition and food science, Doron brought memories of favorite treats to vegan reality.
read more about their story here.

next up is the decadent, vegan treats
sadly this bakery is located in bethlehem, pa which is a bit far for me to get to on a regular basis, but lucky for me many of our local restaurants carry their delicious goodies. :) seriously i can't say enough about their treats... i am a long time vegetarian and recent vegan and even i could not believe that these desserts were vegan. i don't know how she does it, but i'm sure happy she does! hmmm, bethlehem is suddenly not feeling that far away; road trip? ;)

here's a little taste of their treat filled story:

Vegan Treats founder Danielle Konya blew that dessert fallacy out of the water long ago with the creation of her first Chocolate Peanut Butter Bomb cake.

As an ethical vegan with a "do it yourself" ethic that is only rivaled by her sweet tooth, Danielle set out to make a vegan cake that didn't just taste good, but actually tasted better than any other cake, vegan or otherwise.
read more about their story here.

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Spinach Banana Berry Smoothie!

2011-09-27T16:41:00.005-04:00

i've always had a difficult time getting food down in the morning but i know that eating a good breakfast soon after waking is one of the keys to loosing and or maintaining weight because it kick starts your metabolism for the day. i've discovered the best solution for me is to have a nutrient rich smoothie; which is just enough to get my metabolism going and not too difficult for me to get down. by itself it's not enough calories for a meal so i usually drink with about a 1/4 cup of raw nuts (depending on the nut this is an average of 170 to 200 calories).

one of my favorites is a Spinach Banana Berry Smoothie; one of the best things about this smoothie is of course how delicious it is but also how easy it is to make!

i like to use frozen berries because they are more cost affective and they add more texture and thickness than fresh berries do. however i do recommend using berries that are flash frozen because they are much tastier and healthier than regular frozen berries. i also like to peel and cut my bananas ahead of time and then freeze that as well (doing this also assures that you never waste them or have to worry about them going bad).

Feel free to increase the ingredient amounts if you want to make it for more than one.

Please Note: I take a great deal of care figuring out the calorie count but please note that they are estimated and therefore may vary slightly. Please check the nutritional information and serving sizes provided by the brands you use.

back to yoga... (well trying at least)

2011-09-24T09:01:00.001-04:00

so if you've been reading my blog for awhile you know that i went through a pretty severe depression a little over a year ago. i'm happy to say that i've come through it and am a better person because of it (i'll write more about that later). one of the things that got lost in my depression was my desire to exercise and my love of yoga. i've been practicing yoga for just about 20yrs now and it's awesome. yoga tremendously helps to keep my mood more balanced and on a purely physical level, i've never been in better shape than when i was practicing yoga 5 to 6 days a week; i practiced a combo of Iyengar (for alignment), Ashtanga (for discipline and my love of the most traditional practice), Yin (for deep stretch and connective tissue health), Bikram (cause i love the heat and think it's such a great yoga for detoxification and therapeutic purposes) and occasionally Power (just for fun, cause sometimes i just wanna sweat, flow and challenge my stamina). If you curious about more types of yoga, click here.

about 1 year prior to my depression, i was forced to slow down my yoga practice because i started to experience some pain in the Latissimus Doris muscle on my right side (more commonly known as the Lats). i have to confess that i handled this pain in a very un-yogic way, meaning i did not listen to my body. in the beginning my way of coping was my ignoring it and practicing more; for awhile i started taking 2, sometimes 3 classes a day. i had convinced myself that i could just push through the injury and that if i built more strength and or flexibility that my muscle would heal; needless to say this did not work out so well. almost a year into when i first experienced the pain and by the end of my second yoga teacher training in the spring of 2009 i was in so much pain that i would literally have to leave class in tears. my tears were due to the physical pain as well as the emotional pain of knowing that this injury was going to put a serious kink in my practice. i finally accepted that no amount of practice was going to make this magically disappear; the worse part was that i'm self employed and i didn't have health insurance at the time so i couldn't afford to go to a doctor for proper medical care either. and so i simply stopped practicing; i kind of had no choice...

it's been 2 and 1/2 years since that time and i am now trying to figure out the healthiest way to get back into my yoga practice. unfortunately i sill haven't had any extensive medical testing or treatment for my injury; so to be honest i still don't know how serious it is. i have an acupuncturist and a chiropractor look it and have had some work done on it by both of them, i've also had some excellent deep tissue massage which has always been the most helpful; my guess is that the massage helps to break up the scar tissue and alleviates some of the inflammation. i'm not in constant pain with it anymore the way i used to be but it's definitely not cured and if i'm honest i'm a little worried that i could easily re-injure myself and be right back where i was.

but i'm going to try. i have to try.

at this point i'm thinking that starting with the therapeutic aspects of bikram yoga is my best bet and then see where i can take it from there. one of the other good things about bikram is that it stretches the lat muscles but doesn't over exert the way some of the other yoga series do.

i'll keep you posted on my progress...

my father...

2011-09-22T00:31:00.002-04:00

via: Pinterest

lots of cooking!

2011-09-21T22:00:00.011-04:00

I've been cooking a lot in the past month and a half, and I mean a LOT; but I'm not complaining. I've always enjoyed cooking and always envisioned a life where I cooked delicious healthy food everyday for all of my meals; so it's a real joy to finally be living, cooking and eating this way!

I switched to a vegan diet 2 months ago so all the recipes I've been making are 100% plant based, which is a lot less challenging and a lot more delicious than I initially thought. I can't way to start sharing these recipes with you! Tune in next week for great food blogs with easy step by step directions so you can make these yummy recipes right a long with me. :)

on my heart...

2011-07-20T00:44:00.001-04:00

hmmmm... it's been a really long time since i've written a blog. there are a lot of reasons why i haven't written the biggest one being that i moved from the west coast back to the east and have been staying with family for the past 5 months and it's hard for me to focus on things like writing when i'm not in my own space.

but so much has changed and happened and have so much on my heart these past few months that i decided I really needed to start making the time again to blog. the truth is whether anyone reads my blogs or not because like byron; "if i don't write to empty my mind, i go mad".

if you're wondering what's been filling up my head space and what i'll be writing about here are a few things...

more stories about my journey to becoming and being a Christian.
what being a Christian means to me... i've been doing lots of reading, research, prayer and meditation on the word of God and what Jesus taught and how i can truly LIVE that.
how i'm learning to live with depression. (although my brain has those tendencies it is not as if i.m depressed every day of my life; but is something i need to work at every day of my life so that i am not depressed all the time.)
my journey back to being a vegetarian (how and why i strayed from this path and what brought me back). and my journey to go one step further this time and move towards being a vegan.
my journey back to yoga (recovering from a major injury that put a stop to my practice for the past 2 years).
the ups and downs i've experienced since starting my design business almost 5 years ago; (how turning a blind eye to my ego almost cost me everything, professionally and personally).
what i've learned and continue to learn about LOVE.

so folks stay tuned if you wish as they'll be more to come very soon. :)

Trying to listen...

2011-01-31T18:52:00.001-05:00

People often say the Lord works in mysterious ways, but I actually don't think that's true. I think he works in much more obvious ways than we are often willing to see.

When God is trying to tell you something he'll often start with a whisper and get louder until you choose or are forced to listen for one for reason or another. But that whisper is not so mysterious if you really think about it. We all feel deep in our bones and often the pit of our stomach's when something is not right, when something needs to change but as humans we tend to shy away from change.

We try to pretend like we don't hear God, even though time and time again life teaches us that things never work out well when we ignore God... that inner voice, that gut wrenching, hair raising reaction to a person or situation in our life.

I've been getting a lot of those reactions recently and I know God is trying to tell me something. There are things in my life that he is trying to show me need to be changed and although I have heard him, I don't know if I've listened quite as well as I should; but I'm trying.

More than once in the past month an unpleasant situation has occurred that has caused me to feel literally sick to my stomach, when I'm really stressed out and am having a particularly heightened response to something, my whole body literally shakes and I feel like I'm freezing, even if it's 110 outside. It's nerves, it's that physical fight or flight response, all the blood in my body is rushing to my vital organs to help protect me in case of physical harm, which leaves my extremities bloodless and therefore cold. You'd think by this point in our evolution the brain would be able to detect that the threat is not really a physical one since it's often coming through a phone or an email but it can't and so my body prepares for battle.

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't been battling out with people left, right and center recently but some very unpleasant and uncomfortable conversations have taken place.

I have no one to blame but myself, I fully believe that you teach people how to treat you and for most of my life I've had almost no boundaries and the few that I have had, have been unclear to say the least; and I often quickly dropped them if I wanted someone to like me. It's funny for centuries, people have used the word "disarming" to describe certain people's characters and looks. I've used it myself but it wasn't until recently that I really thought about why we use this particular word to describe someone as physically attractive; but now I get it. They literally disarm all of our boundaries, all of our normal ways of protecting ourselves; all that falls at our feet around certain people and we lay ourselves bare and at their mercy.

I believe that if you want to be truly close and intimate with someone you have to be willing to disarm yourself, especially when it comes to a romantic love relationship, but I think the same goes for family relationships or friendships; anywhere there is love, there also must be a certain level of trust, and that level must be deep.

The problem with me (and I think a lot of people will relate) is that for most of my life I felt so unloved and was in such desperate need of love that I often disarmed self way too quickly and with the wrong people. And so now that I'm trying to be more selective and do some heavy duty gardening to get rid of the weeds to make room for the flowers I have been running into some unpleasant interpersonal conflicts. These conflicts have occurred for two main reasons, the first is that I still have some people in my life that have no business being there and in truth should not have been in the first place and second because even with new people I occasionally revert to my old habits and my need to people please so I am liked and loved. This last is my a big problem for me and something I am working so hard to fix.

I'll write more later about all the changes I'm making and have been making to try to make the necessary adjustments because I am allowing God to change my life in the ways I know I should.

I literally pray to God every night and every morning for better discernment and to remember how deeply I am loved by him and my family and several friends who I am so fortunate to know and love and be loved by.

"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless." Philippians 1:9-10

I don't wear a lot of jewelry and almost never buy it for myself but when I saw this ring recently I knew I didn't just want it but in a way needed it. Seeing it on my finger everyday is a helpful reminder that "I have always been loved, I am loved, and I always will be loved."

Believing / Knowing that I'm loved, no matter what, even when I make mistakes, even when I'm in a bad mood, or angry, or irrational... is the hardest thing for me. I have to be constantly vigilant with my thoughts and let them stray too far down the path of negativity, even when I make mistake. When someone is upset with me, even if I logically know I'm not wrong and that there is no truth to their words it still affects me on deep emotional levels. It is very easy for me to just believe whatever negative things they are saying about me and feel like I am a terrible person. I quickly revert back into the unhealthy behavior of beating myself up and convince myself that I am "bad" and undeserving of love.

And so even this blog is a prayer to God to help me always remember that I may not be perfect, but I am okay just the way I am.

Prayers of Letting Go

2010-12-15T15:01:00.000-05:00

I pray every morning.

I wake-up, I get out of bed to turn on my coffee and then snuggle back into bed to pray and think about the day ahead while my coffee brews.

Sometimes I pray to thank God for my life and everyone and everything in it.
Sometimes I pray for someone I know who is going through a difficut time.
Sometimes I pray for all the people in the world to find a way to live in peace amongst each other.
And sometimes I pray for me.

I pray for God to continue healing my heart and for him to help me change and be a better representation of him here on earth.

I pray for him to use me in whatever way he sees most fit, however he thinks I will be in the best service to him.

I pray for him to help open my heart so that I can put my ego aside and really hear what the people in my life are saying they need from me.

And sometimes I pray very specifically for his help with a particular situation in my life that I am struggling with. When it comes to things like this, the first prayer I usually have to make is for God to help me let go and to put my struggles it into his hands. I have gotten better at this but if I'm honest, the control freak in me still finds this so hard more often than not.

And so this morning I prayed long and hard for God to help me let go of something I have been holding onto for way too long now. I think I had convinced myself that I had let go and that I had completely put it into God's hands but I realized this morning that deep down in that place inside that we all have where we put things that we don't want to see... in that place, there was a sliver of me that's been holding on, still trying to gain control over something that I truly have no control over.

Letting go of this thing needs so much prayer that I've actually been praying pretty continually since I woke up and will continue to pray throughout the day/days/weeks/months... however long it takes for me to just LET GO and LET GOD.

For those of you who read my blog who believe in the power of prayer, I ask that you'll pray for me too. I know I haven't gone into detail about what this thing is (some things are just too personal to share even on my personal blog forum) but any prayer from you on my behalf to help me let go of that which no longer serves me will go a long way.

The Prayer by: Javiera Estrada

Our Shocking Resistance to the Furious LOVE of God

2010-12-04T12:50:00.001-05:00

This rang so true for me when I read it I wanted to share...

From the Raggamuffin Gospel (Visual Edition) by Brennan Manning

In my ministry as a vagabond evangelist. I have encountered shocking resistance to the God whom the Bible defines as LOVE. The skeptics range from the oily over-polite professionals who discreetly drop hints of the heresy of universalism; to the Bible thumper who sees only the dusty robust war God of the Pentateuch and who insists on restating the cold demands of rule-ridden perfectionism.

Our resistance to the furious love of God may be traced to the church, our parents and pastors, and life itself. Yet if we were truly men and women of prayer our faces set like flint and our hearts laid waste by passion, we would discard our excuses. We must go out into a desert of some kind (your backyard will do) and come into a personal experience of the awesome love of God... the God of the gospel of grace. A God who out of love for us sent the only Son He ever had wrapped in our skin. He learned how to walk, stumbled and fell, cried for his milk, sweated blood in the night, was lashed with a whip and showered with spit, was fixed to a cross and died whispering forgiveness on us all.

A Sordid Yoga Story ~ by: Danielle Menzies-Toman

2010-12-01T12:16:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged about yoga in awhile... there's many reasons for this which I'll get into at some other time when I make the time to write about it. :)

Today I wanted to share something with you that my friend Danielle (sort of sister, she's my half sister's sister, so not technically related to me but I consider her a sister) wrote about her recent yoga experiences. I am a lover of Truth and this rang so true for me and resonated so much with me that I asked her if I could repost it.

Here's her blog...

Danielle Menzies-Toman is rejuvenated by her yoga practice. Which belies the confession she has to make...

I have not practiced yoga in a long time. As in, like, weeks. I just wasn’t enjoying my yoga practice. And instead of really examining why I wasn’t enjoying my yoga practice I just stopped. And blamed it on my lack of a car to drive me to yoga class. Never mind that I have a fantastic mat at home, and that a yoga practice does not require even that, much less a car. I even started using future anticipated positive yoga class experiences (hotroom yoga at my home Moksha studio in Montreal) as good reasons I wasn’t practicing at home. I mean, what was the point? It was so boring and felt like a chore. At least compared to how great it feels sweating my ass off in a heated room with at least 30 other crazy Mokshies.

After a couple of weeks of not practicing, if you’ve been practicing consistently for years…well, you kinda start to feel like crap (I was gonna use a much stronger four letter word that means the same thing – but you get my drift)…and I just KNEW the only thing that was going to make me feel better mentally, physically, spiritually was going to my mat. So I finally did. And they don’t call it the path to enlightenment for nothing. I was just starting my practice with a few downdogs and gentle hip openers when spontaneously I decided to flip my dog. Now, I never flip my dog. And I rarely go through my practice without some vague sketch of the postures I’ll do. In fact, I’ve often lamented to fellow yogis that this is the very reason I didn’t really enjoy my home practice – because I always know what I’m going to do- and for me that’s just not very fun. So today when I flipped my dog for the sheer fun of flipping my dog it’s like something lit up in me. And soon I was rocking my bow and playing with my wheel [Note to those who don’t practice yoga: no silly jokes about me getting my rocks off, ok?

Anyway, so then it hit me….When did I start to think my practice was something I had to do - like a chore? And why, if I knew that I didn’t like knowing what I was always going to do next did I keep on doing the same thing over and over? And why did I feel so ashamed that I stopped practicing for a few weeks that I almost felt like I was UNDESERVING of my yoga practice?

I almost didn’t post any of this…but then I remembered the comment of a friend of mine who experienced postpartum depression. She was telling me how horrible she was feeling and how horrible she felt for feeling horrible. And I was telling her that I think lots of new mothers feel that way. And she said REALLY?! And I was like, yeah, duh, really…and all she wanted to know was why the HELL all the mothers she knew were walking around like they were in heaven to be dealing with dirty nappies and screaming babies all day. Shouldn’t someone have told her so she didn’t feel so alone, and well, frankly, horrible? And then I recalled another friend who said recently “I don’t know why or when yoga became about walking around like you’re f-ing zen all day and if you’re not then there's something is wrong with you.” (This was my comment to her in an email where I was venting about dishonest yogi's.) So, in honour of two of the most honest and down-to-earth amazing friends on the planet here I am telling you my sordid yoga story and urging you (if you ever feel the way I did over the past few weeks) to…well, to flip your f-ing dog I guess ;-)

you've changed...

2010-11-06T13:38:00.002-04:00

"You've changed!"

I've gotten that more often over the past few months than I have in my entire life, I wouldn't say I get it a lot; just that I get it more often.

And well, one thing I could say to that is, "I sure as heck hope I've changed!"

If you've read some of my previous blogs you know the amazing and at times very painful journey I have been on over the past year and a half.

But the good news is that I finally accepted the Good News. :)
I have seen the truth and the light and the way and accepted Jesus as my savior and proudly became a Christian.

When making such a large shift spiritually and emotionally it's not uncommon to loose some friends and feel the need to reevaluate your priorities and almost everything about your life; and maybe even more important everything you've ever thought about your life.

I don't believe everything happens for a reason but what I do believe is that if you let him, God can take bad things and help you make them into something good in some way or another. And looking back I think I had to loose so much so I could remember what really matters because although I never would have admitted it (because I couldn't see it)... I had drifted very far off my path.

And now I'm beginning to drift somewhat off the path of why I started writing this blog... not completely but if you know me, you know that if I don't rein myself in now I could end up writing a completely different blog than I had planned, which isn't a bad thing but I really want to try to stick to my original blog. :)

So, shortly after becoming a Christian, I joined a Woman's group at my church, we meet every Tuesday night and talk about life issues that all people struggle with. When I first started attending they were working their way through a book called Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, some of you may be familiar with it. I had heard about these things called boundaries before, been told on several occasions that I didn't have any, which I knew wasn't a good thing; but for the most part I chose to either ignore the comments or I got defensive. Neither reaction helped me learn how to establish healthy boundaries.

As I met with these women week after week, I became so fascinated by boundaries and my previous lack of them that like pretty much everything I am interested in I threw myself in head first and wanted to learn everything about them and how I could learn to create healthy ones for myself. I read several books and attended a few seminars. For the first time in my life I began to feel okay about standing up for myself; this might seem somewhat surprising to some people who knew me or had altercations with me prior to my learning about boundaries because I put on a pretty good show of being very strong. But let me be clear that boundaries are not the same as walls. For most of my life I threw up walls out of fear, because I had no boundaries; it was the only way I knew how to protect myself. And I'd be lying if I said that it isn't still my default reaction but everyday I get better at catching myself before I move too far back into auto-pilot mode. It's hard work, there's no sleeping at the wheel, but it's worth it; at least I think so.

The hardest thing about learning how to establish boundaries when you've had none before is that you are bound to make some people in your life very unhappy. People get used to you being the way you were, so when you suddenly do start saying things, like "Hey, hey, wooh, it is not okay for you to talk to me like that." "It is not okay for you treat me like that." "It really hurt me when you..." "I am not comfortable if you..." and so on; people don't like it and they'll often be the first to say "You've changed."

The negative reactions that people have is the hardest part because most people who didn't establish boundaries as they grew up made a conscious choice on some level not to do so because they want people to "like them". One of the hardest things for me to recognize is that I had spent so much time trying to get people to "like" or "love" me, I had never stopped to think about if I actually liked or loved the person I was tyring to persuade. I never stopped to evaluate if this person had characteristics that nourished my soul when I was in there presence, if this person made any efforts to be there for me even if they didn't need something.

So when you're like me and you've unknowingly filled your life with these kinds of people and you suddenly start to recognize this, it can be very painful when you realize that the only thing you can do is let them go because they'll never accept you the way you are now. As Cloud and Townsend say you have to get rid of the weeds so you can make room for the flowers.

The people I've chosen to weed out of my life are not bad people, they're just bad for me. One of the best things about having healthier (I still have a lot to learn) boundaries is that I don't feel like I have to explain myself to everyone, every second of the day anymore. I am who I am and you can take me or leave me; just as I have the choice to take or leave you. I might miss you on some level and definitely hold no grudges against anyone but it feels good to get honest with myself about who is truly and honestly my friend; and who is a good person for me to spend my time and energy on.

So from now on when people say "You've changed" I'll say, "And thank God for that, literally!"

To wrap things up I'd like to quote Brennan Manning from the his awesome book The Ragamuffin Gospel: "My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace."

where power ends and love & trust begins...

2010-10-16T12:41:00.002-04:00

A few months ago I wrote a blog about Platitudes you know those annoying and trite things people say that are supposed to make you feel better in the midst of a difficult time but really just make you want to tell the person saying them to SHUT UP!

When I wrote that blog I was just coming out of a terrible depression and was writing about all the things that people had said to me in the midst of the pain that made me realize that although they may have just been trying to make me feel better all they succeeded in doing was make me aware that they had no idea what I was really feeling.

Over the past month it's come to my attention (by several experiences and new realizations) that I forgot two very important platitudes that maybe the most annoying of all; and those are...

No one can make you feel anything.

You are in control of your own happiness.

I'm not really sure which to address first since their both equally untrue and my reasoning for believing them to be untrue kind of goes hand-in-hand.

Here's the thing, the one about being in control of your own happiness has a small grain of truth, because ultimately you are in control of who you choose to let into your life and who you do not; but the thing is that's where the control (or at the least it's where the control should) end.

Correct me if I'm wrong but when we care about someone, we trust them... and when we trust them that means we don't feel the need to control them or our relationship with them (since control is generally about a lack of trust in the outcome). Being in a relationship means we give up not just our power, but also our need for power. When we care for someone and they care for us we ultimately give them the power to treat us in the way that they choose to because we trust that they will be kind.

I know I know it may seem like I'm kind of talking in circles and repeating myself a bit but it's because these things are so intricately intertwined that there is no real beginning or end to where power ends and love and trust begins. It is quite often a mini battle that we wage with ourselves on an ongoing basis when we are in a relationship with someone because it is (or at least it feels like it is) our natural instinct to control (and this goes for men and women alike, even though women are called 'control freaks' much more than men; but in truth I've yet to meet a person, male or female who doesn't want things in their life to go their way.)

So, my point is that when we are in a relationship with someone, whether it be family, friend, lover, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend... we give them the power to hurt us, which luckily also means they have the power to make us feel joy. You simply can't have one without the other. If the people in our lives have no power to make us feel joy or pain then ultimately we care nothing for them.

the true purpose of industry

2010-10-15T00:50:00.003-04:00

And I've tried to find happiness in a bigger TV, a car and a watch. I've tried to find happiness in power over others and the respect of the people around me. And I appreciate your patience, while you stand here, right in front of me.

Waiting for me to come to my senses.

Via: I Wrote This For You

you just gotta trust

2010-10-10T23:13:00.002-04:00

no matter how hard it feels (and it feels read hard some times) you just gotta put your faith in God and trust that he will not let you fall.

you just gotta TRUST. : )

choosing again what i chose before

2010-10-08T01:36:00.002-04:00

When I read this I thought immediately of God and why I became a Christian. :)

Sometimes hidden from me
in daily custom and in trust,
so that I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart.
Suddenly you flare in my sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of the thicket, grace and light
where yesterday was only shade,
and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before.

~ Silas ~

Photo by: RaceyTay

even with all the bruises

2010-09-24T03:32:00.002-04:00

I turned 35 on Monday, not sure what it’s supposed to feel like but I definitely don’t feel like what I thought 35 would feel like when I was younger and 35 seemed so old!

I’ve enjoyed getting older and wouldn’t do my 20’s over again if you paid me but this does feel a little different.

I loved turning 30 and am enjoying my 30’s but I do admit that 35 hit me a big stronger than 31, 32, 33 or 34; I don’t know I guess there’s just no pretending that I’m not an ‘adult’ anymore. The crazy thing is that even though I’ve learned a lot in my time on the planet so far I still pretty much feel the same on the inside that I did when I was 5 and 15 and 25.

I hope that I am more mature in some ways but the way that I see the world and the things that fill up my headspace are still pretty much what they’ve always been… God, spirituality, trying to make sense of this life, more importantly trying to make sense of what makes us all who we are and trying to understand why people do the things they do, art, creativity, LOVE, family… you know LIFE!

The 35th year of my life (isn’t it a little odd that you don’t actually turn an age until you’ve completed that year? So now I’m 35 but technically I’ve just completed 35 years on the planet and am starting the 36th year of my life) …anyway the 35th year of my life was I think my most difficult yet. I gotta tell you there were times that I seriously questioned how I was going to make it through. I never contemplated suicide or anything as drastic as that but at times I just felt like it was all just too much to bear at and wanted to give-up more than once.

What happened you ask?
Well the better question would be what didn’t happen?

To be honest I’ve rehashed it so many times with my therapist that I don’t want or even feel the need to get into the details. In short I was faced with the all sorts of life and death issues within my immediate family, dealt with the sort of ‘I can’t breathe – gut-wrenching’ heartbreak, struggled financially; and lost some friends and I’d say a few pieces of myself as well along the way.

The combination of all these things happening so succinctly caused me to be severely depressed; I was by far more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life and I definitely hope to never feel so sad and defeated again.

For a long time I tended to focus on what I didn’t have. I don’t really think I’m outside the norm on this; my guess is that it has something to do with Adam and Eve and “The Fall” why we tend more towards negative thoughts, but the beauty of being human is that God also gave us free will so at any given moment we can choose something different. I know firsthand how hard it is, but also how necessary... it requires a year-to-year, month-to-month, minute-to-minute, sometimes second-to-second vigilant watching of our thoughts and choosing to stop them when they try to lead us astray down a path that is not good for us.

However I do want to point out that I am in no way suggesting we suppress any of our emotions, that kind of pretending like everything is perfect and we’re always happy is not what I’m talking about. It’s very important to allow ourselves to feel and to express our emotions; not doing so leads to a whole slew of other problems.

But here’s the good thing about depression (at least as long as you deal with it and get the therapy and treatments that you need to get better) …after being so low I have a ‘fresh’ perspective on life.

I feel so happy and grateful for all that I have and all the amazingly loving and wonderful people I have in my life.

I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons this past year, many of which I’m sure I’ll touch on in future blogs but one lesson has stood out from the rest.

And that is just how valuable people are. I’ve always put a lot of stock into my relationships which is also why I’m so bruised when they end or are in a difficult place (whether it’s with a family member, friend or romantic partner). But over the past year I’ve learned that treasuring every moment you have with someone is not just a nice cliché thing to say it’s a necessary part of a relationship with the ones we love because there is no guarantee that they will be here tomorrow. And I’m not just talking about in the case of death, people exit our lives in all sorts of ways and no matter how much is hurts or how much we miss them there’s often nothing we can do about it. But we can do something about the time we do have with them.

I know all too well how much safer it feels to protect yourself from potential hurt but believe when I tell you that it’s not worth it. Protection may dangle the promise of less hurt over your head but in the end it hurts more to have regrets about all the things you could have should have would have said and done differently if you hadn’t been so busy protecting yourself.

Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to wait until someone is dying, leaving or already gone before you try to tell them how much they mean to you because you might not get the chance and if you do, chances are your message won’t be received the way it might have been at another time.

In short, people aren’t disposable to me.
We hurt each other from time to time, sure, that’s kind of inevitable I suppose. But that doesn’t mean I stop loving them or exclude them from my life… I’m pretty sure that even with all the bruises, the key is to love more, not less.

love much?

2010-09-05T23:22:00.002-04:00

When I read this Nudge I was reminded of what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote my last blog, Hatred and Judgement about Hatred and Judgement.

She pulled her shirt up over her head and felt it hang around her shoulders. Her toe in the dust on the wood floor made a path like forgetting. Her breasts and stomach hung out like a dislocation of herself. She arched her back and the shirt fell over her.

Well. yeah. i’m an artist. I guess. i mean. would you consider stripping art?

Mostly they wouldn’t ask her anything. They knew enough to keep their distance. Or else they would take their freedom at no distance at all. It didn’t matter.

She hated people for judging her. She would press her chest like guilt was some loud hostage she could suffocate. It wasn’t hard to feel ironically superior to the people who seemed to think they were so superior to her. They were just hypocrites living easy lives. what’d they know.

You’re going to hell. You’re going to hell. You’re going to hell.

And sometimes she would melt into her naked sheets like they were arms.

"Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn't offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn't greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.

I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love. (Luke 7:44-47)

And here we are. With boney, stunted love. because we forget how much we have been forgiven.

Via the lovelly Em @ Nudge

Hatred and Judgement about Hatred and Judgement

2010-09-04T12:24:00.006-04:00

A few days ago I wrote a blog called FREEDOM sharing my thoughts on a quote about scripture that a friend had posted on her FB wall. The quote made me sad both because of what it said and because of all the negative responses of agreement it brought about.

The next day the same friend posted an article about people who believe in Creationism teaching that humans and Dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time. Now I don't agree with this teaching and have never understood why some who believe in creationism feel like the scientific theory of evolutionism is somehow contradictory. I believe in creation and evolution and believe that they are both the work of God.

However this article once again brought on a series of very negative statements about God and religion, and of course the Christian religion in particular. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered saying anything but I just couldn't sit by and do nothing. In discussions like this it's always hard to know it I get my point across or my love... but I always feel it's worth at least trying.

One of the comments was by a guy who said that he can't believe "that grown intelligent people still believe in the Bible' 'stories' and that it should be shelved with Greek Mythology." He also said "If there is a "Father in Heaven" then talk to us, what awful father never shows himself to his children?"

My Response :

J__, yes, adult, well eduated people believe in the Bible, I am one of them, though I don't take as literally as some do or as I suppose you do since you think it should be "shelved with Greek mythology" so incredibly sad a thought for a book that holds so much truth and wisdom. They are stories, most of which even when accounting history are allegorical in nature; but the truth and wisdom that lies wihin these stories is beyond this world... and the love, oh the beautiful divine love. ♥

And God, our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name has shown himself, his name was Jesus. And then of course there was Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr, and the Dali Lama, and Albert Einstein, and Rumi, and Nelson Mandela, and Mother Theresa and the list goes on and on... and let's not forget how he shows himslef every single day in every person we pass by on the street and the ones we're fortunate to actually have a connection with for a minute, a day, a year, a lifetime. Oh and of course there's also God's image in YOU and me.

Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is Heaven, AMEN.

My friend who posted the article said that she thinks it good for people to question God and that's why she post a lot of the things she does. She said she loves Jesus but it's a personal relationship for her and she does not believe in the Bible or that it is the word of God.

The other guy also responded to my previous comment by saying tht I was just proving his point by "regurgitating things that had been poured into me since childhood". He also happened to mention that he has not read the Bible in it's entirety because he "couldn't make it through the Old Testament" which kind of goes back to what I was talking about it in my FREEDOM blog that people who make broad sweeping statements about religion and God generally have little real basis for their opinions.

(***I do want to state that I don't think everyone who isn't a Christian or who doesn't belive in God is an idiot or doesn't know what thier talking about. I know a lot of very intelligent, well read people who don't believe in God, one of my sisters for example. However I do think that when you make a broad/generalized statement about anything then you typically don't know what you're talking about. Because life and things like spirituality and religion are way too complex for "broad/general" statements.)

My Response:

I agree D___ (my friend), I question God ALL the time, I can't adhere to those who believe he shouldn't be questioned. It's one of the reasons I like Rob Bell so much because he questions everything and encourages others to do the same.

J___ I am not ..."regurgitating" anything that was poured into me; it's not good to make assumptions. I was not raised with a religion, I have studied theology extensively since the age of 14 and have participated in almost every religion and spiritual practice known to man and it was through this searching that I decided as a grown, intelligent, well-educated woman of 33 to become a Christian. I am not a Christian because I think it is the "right" religion or the "only" path to God. I am Christian because I believe that following the ways of Jesus leads me to ultimate truth and love.

And D___, I love the stimulation that these two discussions have brought to my own mind and the fact that it has helped remind me why I chose to become a Christian. I just wish there was less judgement and anger. I just wish we could all see that everyone's path to God is their own and there is no right or wrong; it's all LOVE. It's painful to hear people speak with such hatred and judgement about how much they hate Christianity because of all of its hatred and judgement.

You know I think maybe I chose to become a Christian because I've always believed in the underdog and seeing the Light even in the darkest places. Now you may be surprised to hear me call Christianity the "underdog" since it has more followers worldwide than any other religion; but let's face it, Christianity gets a really bad rap! I have a longing to bring light to the Christian faith and remind others why Jesus was hear in the first place and help them let go of all the judgement and hatred not just of Christianity but of those who follow the religion and of all others for that matter. I don't expect or even want everyone to be a Christian, ultimately I don't care what people choose to believe as long as they are living rightly. But I do dream of the day when we can...

"Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom to ring—when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children—black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics—will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALL MIGHTY WE ARE FREE AT LAST!'

Ignorant

2010-09-02T16:44:00.001-04:00

An unexpected caller ID shows up on my cell phone. A distraught voice softly but anxiously rose from its speaker. She was experiencing a bit of a crisis over a very close friend of mine turning away from Jesus. She’d heard about it through other people.

“Lately I’ve known about a few people who just stopped believing in Jesus. I don’t understand how people can be so close to knowing God and then just walk away! It’s not like the Bible doesn’t address their issues. The Bible answers every question they have. They just weren’t looking hard enough.”

I don’t know what bothered me most about this phone call: the fact that we never talk, or that she didn’t even know my friend, or that I’m not really sure she wanted my opinion …or that she really thought that simply reading the Bible could bring everyone to Jesus.

But God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people who suppress the truth by their wickedness. They know the truth about God…but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like… Romans 1

My friend did look hard enough. The problem isn’t that she’s ignorant. Because the Bible actually doesn’t address every question about God. The problem isn’t even that people only understand if God wants them to. Her trouble is she knows exactly what God demands of her and wants no part of it.

Just because someone stops believing in Jesus doesn’t mean they lose all sense of intelligence and reason. They’re humans. They want to have meaningful relationships and deep conversations. They want to figure out the meaning of life and what their purpose of existence is too. They aren’t some deaf and blind sub-set of humanity. To assume so would be totally ignorant of us.

Via: The Beautiful Joan @ Nudge: Musings on God

FREEDOM.

2010-08-30T16:49:00.009-04:00

‎

"Scripture was written to conscript the Human spirit, not exalt or liberate it. The Book of Revelation was given to ensure the Apocalypse, not prevent it." ~ From the book 2 by Evan Lord

A friend posted this quote as her FB status this morning and I was saddened and disturbed to say the least. I let a lot of things slide by these days and just keep to myself but as a Christian I am told Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ~ Ephesians 4:25 and I simply could not let this one slide, I felt that I had to speak up for all that is true and beautiful and loving and religious.

I am not sure what saddens me more, the fact that someone would write this, that others would believe it, or that I myself would have believed it just a few short years ago...

I understand that religion leaves a bad taste in many people's mouths but in my humble opinion statements like this are made and believed by people who have not read or studied scripture and do not truly understand God. I know this is a bold statement on my part but no more bold than the statement about scripture made above by Evan Lord.

For the most part I find that people who make broad sweeping statements like this about religion and spirituality haven't generally read much about what they are talking about.

Although I have chosen to be a Christian I don't think it is the only path to God. I believe that people are entitled to thier opions and can definitely have differing opinions about religion; however think it is absurd to say that scripture was not written with the intention to exalt and liberate. It's simply not TRUE and that's not an opinion, it's a fact. In the wrong hands anything, no matter how beautiful or pure in original intention can be harmful and I think they are a lot of people, especially Christians who have done this. But that does not and should not change why scripture was written, which was to FREE us from conscription and law and enslavement.

People all too often confuse God and scripture with the humans who interpret them. Both God and scripture are infinite but we are finite so to think that we can fully grasp it or make a statements like Evan Lord did is allowing the ego to control our lives instead of being guided by our spirits.

For as long as I can remember I have spent much of my life in search of spiritual truths. I have read the Tao Te Ching, The Three Baskets of Buddhism, the Essential Kabalah, and am now reading the Bible; and I can tell you with a meausre of humility and certainity that ALL scriputure is most definitely intended to EXALT and LIBERATE and to help us break FREE of conscription NOT the other way around.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. ~ Galatians 5:1

One person who commented on this post said "I agree wholeheartedly. Externalized God or Truth is a cage...freedom comes from within."

This respons is not completely wrong because Freedom does come from within; but that is God. Because God is in me as me. But make no mistake we are not God. We are God's creation not our own. God made us in his likeness which means that we can do great things if we allow him room to work within us. But we are not God and we cannot do it all on our own.

I spent years believing that only I could save myself... believing that I could do it all on my own. If I were to write it down, I could fill a very large book telling you all the ways I suffered because of this ego based belief.

I find it interesting to watch all the ego play in my own life and the life of others and the way it so sneakily and yet easily leads us astray. I can't begin to tell you the amount of people I know that profess to be for Freedom and against Conscription but are enslaved by their egocentric beliefs about religion, spritiuality and what it means to be alive in this world as a human.

What it is it I wander that makes us want to belive that we are so much more than we actually are... so much more than God himself?

I remember a friend telling me awhile ago that I needed to just get over myself. Like most people would be, I was offended by this statement. I cried and screamed and vented about how wrong he was to think that I was caught up in myself. I admantly protested that I believed in God, that I was NOT ego-centered! Or so I thought. But the truth is I was ego-centered at that time and I had not yet fully understood what it meant to believe in God or accept Christ as my savior.

And now that I do, I know true FREEDOM and it is a feeling that is beyond measure, beyond words, beyond anything I ever experienced in all my previous years of searching.

It is truly wonderful to live my life in Christ name and I can assure it is absolutely possible to practice a religion and be FREE, I do it every single day.

To him be the Power and the Glory, Forever and Ever, AMEN.

the day you read this

2010-08-29T03:43:00.004-04:00

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That that’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.

via: I Wrote This For You

things not meant to be remembered

2010-07-31T15:57:00.006-04:00

There are moments in a life
when everything comes apart, is ripped so clean

who you are is laid bare

~ From the poem: The Waves by Shara McCallum

Surrender by Marni Mutrux

I've been going to therapy for about 4 months now.
I started going because I had been suffering with a depression for months and I just couldn't seem to get out of the hole I was in. I've been depressed from time to time at other times in my life but never for more than a few weeks and I had definitely never felt that intensity of pain.

It was bad.

I felt like I was standing in front of the firing squad of all my deepest wounds... all my unmet needs. Accept it wasn't the kind of firing squad where it's all just layed on me and then I'm out of pain. It was like the time before they were guns and people would be stoned to death. Thousands of stones came at me from every direction possible, and it felt as if each stone was thrown with exact precision to inflict the most pain possible but not kill me.

It was bad.

It was overwhelming and unbearable to say the least.

I was lucky enough to find a great therapist, one who is extremely compassionate but also doesn't let me slide. She has helped me peel back many layers and see a lot of things I had been blind to for many years. However in the last few weeks she's been asking me not just to peel back emotional layers but layers of memory as well. For the first weeks I tried to do this but I don't have many memories of much of my life. I started to realize that this digging into what I cannot recall was creating a lot of pain for me, I thought at first that maybe this was just something I had to get through; that if I could just push through the pain then I would be healed. But last week after 3 weeks of suffering I had to tell my therapist that I cannot go this route in therapy. I know that it goes against all of her training since the predominant belief in psychotherapy is that most if not all of pain as adutls stems from our childhood and therefore if you can uncover where the trauma began then you can heal.

But as I explained to her, there has to be another way.
I did not make this decision impulsively, I tried for weeks to work through it and prayed to God for guidance on what to do and I became more and more clear that digging too deep into my past was not my path to healing.

The sky above you will shift in meaning
each time you think you understand.
You will spend a lifetime chipping away layers
of flesh. The shadow of your scales
will always remain. You will be marked
by sulphur and salt.
You will bathe endlessly in clear streams and fail
to rid yourself of that scent.

~ From the poem: What the Oracle Said by Shara McCallum

What I'm learning is how to sift through the trauma and the drama and change the negative behaviors that I carry today because of those wounds.

What I'm learning is that the mind (in my case I believe it's God working in my mind and heart) has tremendous power and a wonderful ability to save us from ourselves... from the moments in our lives that we live through but not in.

What I'm learning is that there are many things that are simply not meant to be remembered.

platitudes and other things that make you want to yell SHUT UP!

2010-07-17T13:43:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot recently about Platitudes... you know the things people say when they don't know what to say and instead of having the wisdom to say nothing they say something trite like:

Time heals all wounds.
Everything happens for a reason.
It doesn't hurt to ask.
Just let it out cause there's nothing like a good cry.
You'll feel so much better if you just get up and do something, maybe go for a walk or something.
No one can love you until you learn to love yourself.

A platitude is a trite, meaningless, biased, or prosaic statement that is presented as if it were significant and original. The word derives from plat, the French word for "flat." Whether any given statement is considered to have meaning is highly subjective, so platitude is often—but not always—used as a pejorative term to describe seemingly profound statements that a certain person views as unoriginal or shallow. (Via: Wikipedia)

Sometimes I wonder if people reallly believe such silly untruths or if they just say them because they've heard them all their life and have never given any real thought to them. I mean they sound good, right?

Well, I'll tell you something... they only sound good when you're not the one in pain. Because when you're hurting, I mean really hurting, that deep gut wrenching pain that is beyond words and people say things like that to you, you just want to scream at them and tell them to SHUT UP!!!

You don't because you know that they don't mean to be insensitive. You know that they truly just want to see you smile again. And so you bite your tongue and just silentlly stare at them and absently nod your head as the tears stream down your face.

I've had many moments like that over the past few months.
And though I politely bit my tongue at the time, I'd like everyone to reconsider in the future before they say something like that in response to someone's pain. Know that it's ok if you don't know the right thing to say, sometimes the right thing to say is nothing. Just being there is enough and your silence is a sign of deeper compassion and understanding than any words could ever be.

Because the truth is:

Time does not heal wounds, some wounds are so deep and so painful that they never completely heal and the best you can do is learn to live with them.
I am not sure if everything happens for a reason, but what I am sure of is that when something has happened that you didn't want to happen and you are grieving the last thing you want to hear is that "everything happens for a reason."
Sometimes it does hurt to ask... it's hurt the person doing the asking and it hurts the person being asked.
Sure sure crying can be healthy, healthier than repressing emotions but as Eyore would say "I don't know what's 'good' about it." When you're on the floor curled in a ball and the sobs just keep coming and all you can do is pray for God to help you, it doesn't feel good at all.
I wonder if it's ever occured to anyone that sometimes getting up and doing something that should bring you joy but doesn't is pretty much the worse thing you can do when you're feeling really low. Some days the best thing I could do for myself was to lay in bed and cry and sleep or stare at the wall blankly; at least in bed I wasn't reminded of the things in life that 'should bring me joy but weren't'. And as Rob Bell has said, sometimes that last reserve of strength to keep going is part of the problem, sometimes you just have to let the game stop.
And lastly I'm curious if someone can actually tell me how it's possible to love yourself if no one else has ever loved you? Sure it sounds true and I do understand that it's important to love yourself but other people loving us plays a big part in our learning how to do this. If you don't believe ask any one who has ever worked with abused or neglected children, or ask any therapist what the biggest issue is with the majority of their patients. Or pick up a newspaper or watch the news sometime... our world is literally filled with millions of people who don't know how to fully love themselves because they have never been fully loved. More importantly they don't know how to ask someone to love them in order for them to learn to love themselves becasue everyone keeps telling them that they have to "love themself first".

Dear God,

2010-07-08T01:48:00.002-04:00

"When sadness was the sea,

you were the one that taught me to swim."

via: I Wrote This For You
(Dear God insertion, via: me)

intimate corners of privacy

2010-06-16T13:04:00.017-04:00

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about human communication in the world we live in today.

In particular texting and social media / “networking”.

Since my introduction to myspace, facebook, blogging and other forms of social media about 4 or so years ago; and since I started texting about 2 or so years ago, I have had a bit of a love hate relationship with these forms of communication.

By nature I am mostly an introvert and very much enjoy my solitude. I am an introvert not because I’m shy or afraid to talk to people but because for the most part I am completely content staying inside myself with my thoughts and dreams. I do love people, in particular conversing with them and sharing the story of our lives. But I like people in small groups and small doses; one on one is most ideal for me.

I am a very visual person and therefore what I like most is being in someone’s physical proximity when we are conversing. I like to hear their voice and even more so I love to watch their face and their animated body language as we share our stories.

In all the years I worked in the corporate world my co-workers often laughed at me because I would get up and leave my desk, cubicle or office to go and talk to them, they didn’t understand why I didn’t just ring their extension or email them. I didn’t because I wanted to see their face while we spoke, often even about the smallest most inconsequential thing; it just felt better to me, like somehow we had made a deeper connection even just discussing if I should order two boxes of staples instead of one since last time we went through the one box so quickly.

I’ll share my thoughts on texting first since it’s a bit briefer than those I have on social media.

In short (yet not 140 characters or less), which actually is my main point… the only people who have my phone # and whom I talk to (other than my clients) are people who I love dearly and know intimately; people who I need much much more than 140 characters or less to say what I wish to say to them. People who I would like to hear much much more than 140 characters or less from; people who could give me arthritis if I attempted to talk to them through text about all the things I actually want to talk with them about.

I get the texting thing if it’s to tell you that I’m running 10 minutes late or for you tell me that you’ll be sitting outside the restaurant when I get there. (Though I am strongly adverse to texting and driving!)

But why, oh why do people text things like “how are you?” When you do this don’t be surprised if the first thought that runs through my mind is “do you really want to know, cause if you did you’d give me more than 140 characters to respond’… you’d pick up the phone and most likely get a pretty good idea of how I am just by hearing my voice and vice versa.

And here’s another texting trend I’m starting to notice. I’ll call someone and leave them a message and instead of returning my call, I’ll get a text saying “hey I got your message, what’s up?” What’s up is that I’d like you to call me back. Yes actually pick up the phone and dial my number and have a voice to voice conversation with me. I know it’s a novel idea but give it a try sometime, you might be shocked at how much you like it... that is if you really want to know how I am or what’s up.

::sigh::

So onto Social Media...

Like many people I have spent way too many hours of the last 4 years of my life on “Social” sites. Even now after I finish writing this I will post it on my public blog site, so please know I do not say this with any judgment, I have been just as guilty as the next person when it comes to sharing way too much of myself online. At one time I had literally thousands of “friends” on my Facebook page.

I don’t think Social sites are all bad. They have allowed me to reconnect and stay in touch with many people. But to be honest the reconnecting thing doesn’t always make much sense to me; it’s like ok, we knew each other 10 or 20 years ago and maybe we were even good friends but we clearly don’t really know each other now, nor do you really seem to want to re-get to know me; you just want to add me to your friends list.

On three rare occasions I have actually become friends with people who I met on social sites, 3 out of thousands. Why so few you ask, it’s not for lack of trying. A few times I invited someone I met (all girls, I have never used these sites for dating) and had chatted with through email on these social sites to connect via phone or even better to meet in person for a cup of coffee or something; but nope they weren’t interested in actually knowing and meeting me, they just wanted to stalk me online... things that make you go hmmmm???

Here are two and far more worrisome observations I’ve made about social networking over the past year… and that is that sites like Myspace, Facebook and Twitter appeal to two unhealthy characteristics in humans… 1) narcissism 2) voyeurism.

The first realization about narcissism is one that I caught onto pretty shortly after joining the social networking world but is becoming more and more pronounced as social media threatens to take over our world. Look, humans are narcissistic by nature, the ego is there whether we like it or not and I am no saint in that department. But sites like Facebook feed into this innate nature in very, very unhealthy ways. Everyone wants to tell you how fabulous their day and life is ALL day long in their status updates.

More often than not I usually post a quote in my status update, not because I’m trying to appear intellectual, or philosophize, or stand on my soap box of wisdom, but simply because I know that you don’t really care that I’m drinking coffee and baking brownies, you just want to tell me that you are; and even more you want me to tell you that I like that you’re doing that!

Now I know this may strike a nerve with some people and you’ll get annoyed with me, which is ok because deep down I know that you know it’s the truth. If you don’t believe me ask yourself why you log on to your Facebook page a million times a day. Is it because you’re just dying to see what your friends are up to or because you’re dying to tell them what you’re up to and then see what they have to say about what you’re up to?

And I won’t even get started on the make believe virtual lives so many are living these days… lives where we’re all rich, shiny, happy people, holding hands with tons of fabulous people who love us more than God even does. Because God clearly does not exist (nor do we seem to have a need for him) in this virtual world, where the sun is always shining and the birds are always chirping and we drink and eat the most delicious things and we have the most fabulous jobs and best friends and greatest husbands and beautiful homes… it’s a world even the stepford wives would find disturbing.

The second realization about voyeurism began to occur to me when I went from having thousands of friends to just around 60 people who I actually know and love. Once I had whittled my friends list down I started to notice that I used to get many more comments on my pictures and other posts from the strangers I used to have on my page than I do now from my actual friends. And once I could see status updates about the people I actually know instead of logging on and having a page filled with how fabulous a bunch of strangers lives are, and I could start to see what my friends are up to, I started to realize that my friends often spend more time commenting on and virtually “connecting” with the strangers on their pages than they did with me or their other friends who they actually know.

And then there’s blogging…

As someone who loves to write this is probably the form of social media I love most…but also hate.

Blogging whether it’s writing or most especially video blogging seems to be way too closely tied and feed into the “New American Dream” of being famous. If you have no special God given talent, that’s ok, just keep sharing every intimate detail of your life online (or on national television, via talk and or reality shows) and even if you’re never known worldwide, chances are you’ll get at least a couple thousand followers.

Yet blogging is a major double edge sword for me because although I see the negative aspects of it I also really love it. There are several blogs that I read pretty frequently and I enjoy them a great deal, they inspire me creatively, they share spiritual truths, and remind me that I am not alone in how I feel as I move through this beautiful but sometimes very difficult and painful experience of life.

And when I write, it’s a form of release for all the thoughts that pass through my brain on a daily basis, though I don’t write nearly as much as I’d like because it’s hard to find the time.

I post my blog publicly for two reasons. One is in the hopes that someone will stumble upon it and read something I’ve written about an experience I’ve had and be reminded that they are not alone in how they feel as I have been by so many others’s words. The second is to release any shame I might feel about my feelings. My blog doesn’t get many hits and I don’t publicize it or do anything to drive traffic to it. Occasionally I will make an effort to let a few close friends and my family members know when I’ve written a particular blog that I think might be of interest to them but I don’t write with an audience in mind. I write to clear my head and that’s pretty much it. And I always respect people’s privacy and never use anyone’s names on my blogs when relaying stories.

If others read what I write and connect with it that’s fine, and if they don’t that’s fine too. I don’t write to be famous (fame is the last thing I want).

So anyway… here’s the thing, I’m not suggesting we get rid of social media all together (though I wouldn’t be adverse to it); but I do suggest you take some serious time to reconsider your “friends” list.

Pesonally I'm not becoming completely like this...

But I have and will continue to set very clear boundaries on how I utilize these sites; for my own personal sanity if nothing else.

And I’m not questioning my friend’s and family’s love for me; in fact I’m more sure than I ever have been in my entire life that I have tons of people who love and care for me. Which in a way is why I’m so concerned… what is happening to us if we are allowing this form of non-“communication” to take over even our closest relationships?

We say we are "connecting" and "communicating", I mean after all these sites are labeled as "social networking" but who are we really connecting with and what are we really communicating?

And aren’t we already experiencing minute to minute flash floods of too much information, do we really need to fill up our head space with even more… especially information about total strangers lives (who we will never know and if we’re honest don’t even really want to know)?

You don’t have to agree with about all or any of what I’ve said in this “blog” but if it fancies you, spend a few moments pondering why when so many of us complain about a lack of privacy as it is… why have we invited the world into the most intimate corners of our lives?

i don't mean to sound...

2010-06-06T12:29:00.004-04:00

"I don't mean to sound overly religious or anything..."

I've found myself saying this a lot recently.
Ever since I became a Christian.
Especially when I'm talking to my non-Christian friends.

I only recently became a Christian in the last year and I remember clearly all the negative connotations I used to put on that word. The many conversations I used to have with many of my friends about how silly religion was and how fanatical Christians are and how judgmental and hypocritical and the list goes on....

So I have this fear when I am around them that when I use the word God, when I speak of my faith and my love for Jesus Christ, that I will now be lumped into their general negative feelings about Christianity and become fodder in their theological discussions.

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. ~ 1 Peter 3:15

Every time I hear myself start to say, "I don't mean to sound..." a part of me cringes inside and in that moment as those words are coming out of my mouth my thoughts split in two and only half me is in the conversation. The other half of me is thinking about why I felt the need to say that. Why I am so concerned with what other people think. Why I allow my fear to overcome the courage of my convictions.

I think about how deeply I believe in my faith and the very powerful reasons for accepting Christ as my savior. I think about how good it feels to understand, I mean really understand that God is truly on my side and the he loves me so very much.

Most of all I think about how every time I say that I am betraying Christ and the sacrifice that he made when he died on that cross for me. I think about what would have become of the state of my soul if he had been as fearful as me, had been concerned with what others think, and prefaced all his sermons with "I don't mean to sound overly religious..."

From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. ~ Matthew 16:21

I mean the thing is when I say that, in essence what I'm saying is I'm scared to tell you how very much I love God because I think you will misunderstand and/or judge me. I think you'll think I'm nuts and am some religious fanatic if I tell you how much I believe in the power of the holy trinity. Or you'll think that I use God as crutch if I explain how grateful and in awe I am of his divine Grace.

Speaking our Truth (whatever that truth is) is a big part of growing up and becoming more comfortable in our skin. I love my faith it has done wonders to help me reconcile who I am in this world and I will not belittle that love anymore by saying things like... "I don't mean to sound overly religious..." If someone wants to think I'm overly religious or using my faith as a crutch...let them. If they want to allow their fears to control their thoughts and believe that someone accepting Christ as their savior is somehow a bad thing then so be it. I know the truth, the light and the way... and that is good enough for me.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~ Galatians 2:10

every so often

2010-06-06T01:47:00.006-04:00

not a day has passed yet that i haven't thought about you.

most days that deep missing feeling has become liveable. like a chronic injury... the pain is always there but in a way you kind of get to numb to it and you go about your day and for the most part don't even feel it anymore.

but every so often there are days when out of the blue for no real reason at all... the missing of you feels so strong. and no matter what i do to try and distract myself that throbbing feeling is ever present in every moment and i can't ignore it.

i think i'll miss you forever...

the lightest touch...

2010-05-29T02:21:00.005-04:00

...it begins with
the lightest touch,
a breeze arriving from nowhere,
a whispered healing arrival,
a word in your ear,
a settling into things,
then like a hand in the dark
it arrests the whole body,
steeling you for revelation.

in the silence that follows
you can feel lazarus
deep inside
even the laziest, most deathly afraid
part of you,
lifts its his head and walks towards the light.

poem by david whyte
illustration by shayla mccallum

marriage without weddings

2010-05-21T13:55:00.007-04:00

Gotta Love Sam at Nudge!

I've been thinking a lot about this recently. So many times on TV shows sex is talked about and displayed in such casual ways; it's had me thinking about what kind of realtiy we are creating with these very misleading ideas of what sex is and what it actualy means. Just alst night I was watching a show and the main character's friends were actuallly encouraging her to have a one night stand, which she had never done. I just thought it was sad that the beauty of sex was degraded to a joke.

Anyway, Sam says it much better...Read On...

I really dislike most weddings. I don’t like all the pomp and circumstance. Weddings can feel inauthentic and full of pretense. The ceremonies may have meant something at one time, but now it feels like going through a set of melodramatic and uninspiring motions.

And I think that’s why a lot of us don’t see why sex, of all things, is tied to this ceremony. What power does the state of Massachusetts have to vest in anyone the right to bind people together in holy matrimony? Who is your mom’s pastor to give you the a-ok on having sex with the person you love more than anything? So a lot of us skip that part. Marriage is trivialized. All that matters is our love for each other.

And that saddens me. Not because of some abstract concept of how things ought to be done, but because I think our focus on weddings has obscured the beauty of marriage. God made sex as the ultimate physical act of affection, as lifeblood for the very difficult task of making two people into one (Mark 10:8). In his eyes, the act of sexual union is the wedding ceremony. There is no such thing as premarital sex.

And the fact that we treat sex so casually is heartbreaking. When sex becomes “not a big deal,” the holy, mystical, unbelievably painful and beautiful grafting of two souls into one flesh becomes not a big deal.

You can have a marriage without the big wedding, but you can’t have sex without marriage. Of course, it doesn’t always feel that way. It’s entirely possible to hook up with someone without feeling any remorse, any attachment or any love.

And that’s the saddest thing of all.

Sam

"As the Scriptures say, 'A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.' This is a great mystery..." ~ Ephesians 5:31-32

Photo by Tyler Knott Gregson

even though. even now.

2010-05-16T12:34:00.001-04:00

Even though I know you don't want to talk to me anymore; I can't help wanting to share things with you...daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every other minute. I keep waiting for that feeling to go away. But it doesn't.

all the tattered pieces...

2010-05-14T22:20:00.001-04:00

copyright. all rights reserved. designed by grace. shayla mccallum

Thank you for respecting my copyright. Please do not share on other social networking sites or anywhere else before asking me first. ~ with love & grace. shayla ~

prayer for today...

2010-05-11T18:01:00.004-04:00

i wish i were...

2010-05-06T14:08:00.003-04:00

"I wish I was a glow worm, cause glow worms are never glum.

How can you be glum and grumpy,

when the sun shines out your bum!" ~ Unknown

there are days...

2010-05-03T00:24:00.005-04:00

"There are days when I can hardly make it ouf of bed. I find it an effort to speak. I measure progress in steps, the next one and the next one, as far as the bathroom. These steps are major accomplishments. I focus on taking the cap off the toothpaste, getting the brush up to my mouth. I have difficulty lifting my arm to do even that. I feel I am without worth, that nothing I can do is of any value, least of all to myself. 'What do you have to say for yourself?' ____________ used to ask. 'Nothing', I would say. It was a word I came to connect with myself, as if I was nothing, as if there was nothing there at all."
~ Margaret Atwood (Cat's Eye)

Today was one of those days when I could feel the nothing creeping close...

"Not too close but on its way, like a wing beat, like the cooling of the wind, the slight initial tug of an undertow." ~ Margaret Atwood (Cat's Eye)

And then it washed over me...

Some days are better than others. Today wasn't a good one.

today... (now)

2010-04-27T13:22:00.005-04:00

today... (then)

2010-04-27T11:27:00.077-04:00

forgiveness (part 2)

2010-04-27T02:48:00.015-04:00

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” ~ Colossians 3:12

I was talking to one of my sisters last week when I was heavy in the midst of the anger stage of grieving the loss of my relationship. I also said I missed him.

She asked me what I missed about him since I was clearly so angry.

I siad, I miss him because I really liked him, I liked hanging out with him, talking to him.

I was hurt and angry by the way he handled our break-up (walking away and shutting me out without giving me any chance to communicate with him other than through desperate emails and the occassional text plea for him to let us talk).

But that anger doesn't change how I feel about him.

Nothing that happened between us. Nothing that was said. Is unforgivable to me.
I have not forgiven him completely. Not yet.
But I still love him.
Very much.
And I will.
Forgive him.
And trust him.

Again.
(even if we never speak again.)

As I hope he will one day me.

The day after that conversation with my sister I read something (from where else Nudge :) that said it much better than I ever could.

(I have paraphrased and changed a word here or there but in essence this is what I read and what I have changed I have changed because this is the way I understood it as it reflects my relationship with him. And my relationship with forgiveness.)

"I always thought I had to crawl back slowly after sinning. That it would take a while to get back to normal. I felt like my sin creates an intimidating wall between us. That’s how I felt, and even when those walls were smashed into oblivion, I’d still be standing there with my fists up to my eyes thinking things could never be the same.

It can’t be that simple, I think. I’m still cut off from you. I still feel that way, sometimes. When that barricade between us is smashed, do its leftover pieces just disappear?

It takes a lot of energy to work through someone hurting me. I’m usually ready to listen and understand, even to forgive most of the time.

But it takes a while to rebuild my trust. I can’t just act as if nothing happened. That would be naïve. You have to put distance between the two of you so they know how much they damaged the relationship. Right?

That’s not the faith I believe in. That’s not the forgiveness I know. I’m thinking Jesus doesn’t take a while to get over what I did. I’m thinking God is waiting for us, wanting our relationship to be restored so we can talk. He's not concerned with the left over pieces. He was prepared to deal with our sin. He knew we’d mess up. And I’m pretty sure forgiveness is what he signed up for.

Time for me to do the same."

I'm pretty sure if I had put a "safe" distance between he and I when we first reconnected last spring then he would have given up on me and the idea of a romantic relationship with me even earlier; and we would have both missed out on all the sweet love that we shared. If only for a little while.

I could have made him pay for the way he had hurt me before.
I could have played a game of stop and wait...and yes and no...too slow.

But I chose to forgive him. Instantly. No questions asked.
I was terrified.
But I still chose to embrace the love that he was offering (as best I could).
I chose to believe that people are capable of changing (especially when they've allowed God to work on them).

I've always chosen to forgive easily. Yeah, sometimes that means I get hurt. Again. And Again. But not believing in people and their ability to change and let their true beauty come through is much more painful to me.

Once I love someone, whether it's a family member, a friend or a boyfriend I will always love them and I always will.

I believe in people.
I believe in second chances. And Third. And Fourth chances too.

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new end."

who we become

2010-04-23T18:07:00.035-04:00

"I approach this love
like a biologist
pulling on my rubber
gloves & white labcoat

You flee from it
like an escaped political
prisoner, and no wonder" ~ Margaret Atwood

The last time we spoke he wasn't thrilled to hear from me.
The desperate emails and phone calls had pushed him away even more.

I sometimes wonder.
If I had just left him alone for awhile.
Maybe we would have been able to build a bridge between us.

If I had just been able to let go.
Give us both some breathing room. Maybe we would have been able to come back together.

But I didn't leave him alone. Of course.

In the throws of it, I had no stability, no focus, no calm.
I was a shrew, a beggar, a mess.

I had no dignity.

No grace.

Yuck!

I dreamed about him nightly, and cried often.
I missed his friendship and the inspiration I drew from him.

I always believed that fate would play as much a hand in our reunoin as it did the first time...and the second.

I always imagined we might meet for a coffee and a chat...a hug.

I wondered if seeing him would give me the closure I needed.

I wondered if he had ever really loved me or just been in love with the IDEA of me... for clearly he was not the man I needed or knew, just as I was not the woman he expected.

I tried to call and apologize.

It was too late.

He pulled the plug.

He couldn't do it.

Who could blame him?

The obstacles had been so big, so seemingly insurmountable.
They had turned us both into creatures even we didn't recognize.

The last time we spoke he said things that broke my heart more than losing him ever did. Harsh words are often spoken during breakups. I certainly spoke my share of them.

I would lash out hurtfully.
He would shut out hurtfully.

"Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart." ~ C.S. Lewis

Truth is we were both just fighting for control. Not of each other. Which is how it felt at times.
The real fight was internal. To control ourselves.

I didn't know what to do with the anger and hurt that arose so I exploded.
He didn't know what to do with the anger and hurt that arose so he pushed it back down.

I thought if he stayed the pain would stop.
He thought if he left the pain would stop.

Both are temporary fixes at best.

He was the lucky one.
I couldn't make him stay. But he could walk away.

Ultimately protecting himself was more important than not hurting me.
He did what he had to do. Again.

He wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

In his mind. We were unhealthy. There was no use even trying.
I too am capable of convincing myself of certain things in order to be protected.

To move on.

To heal.

Either way we were clearly both now remembering diferent lives and speaking different languages.

I wrote him one last letter.
One last gesture of openness, honesty and love.
I never expected a reply.

They say that time heals all wounds.
When I was younger I believed that.

I don't anymore.

Time passes.

The pain becomes more bearable.
I'll learn to live with it.

I'll get better.
I'll find hope.
I'll start to laugh and live again.
And one day...love.

Sometimes we have to lose what is the most precious to us in order to evolve into all that we can be. A sad truth but ultimately a beautiful one if the end result is a better human being.

The first time I lost him...it was clear to me that it was so I could grow and become the best that I could be.

But this time I'm not so sure.
Could we have grown...been the best we could be...

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." ~ Helen Keller

I will never know.
I will always wonder what would have, could have, been.

There are no resolutions.

forgiveness (part 1)

2010-04-22T13:42:00.019-04:00

"Part of wisdom is recognizing that other people are as sinful as me. Then committing to give them other chances. Like someone else I know (God)."

I was reading one of my favorite blogs (Nudge) today and it made me think (as it often does). Here's what it said and some of what I've been thinking about.

"God gives his best–sun for warmth and rain for nourishment–to both people who love him and to people who neglect him. He draws no lines. The Pharisees asked him once, "Who's my neighbor?" because they wanted lines. They want Jesus to say, "It's okay to slap someone back once in a while." But he'll never say that. He’ll insist instead, to let hurtful people bring out the best in you."

I wonder if he'll ever forgive me for all the horrible things I said. In HURT. In ANGER. In FRUSTRATION.

If he'll ever know that by saying those things I hurt myself more than I hurt him.

If he'll ever know how I have beat myself up and ripped myself to shreds because I could barely live with the fact that we were both capable of hurting each other so much. I am still struggling to come to terms with it.

If he'll ever understand how badly I needed the opportunity to apologize. To hear him say those 3 beautiful words: "I forgive you."

"A lot of relationships end eventually. But I can’t lash out in revenge by ignoring their calls and ‘forgetting’ them. Unless I believe that God would do the same. That he’d abandon people. Withhold the sun and rain because he’s tired of loving them.

In the few opportunities I have to look like a holy God in this world, I think picking up a phone call is a rather easy one. Now I just have to work on my reasons for picking up…"

I wonder if he'll ever know just how much his lack of communication hurt me?

If he'll ever know how it broke me that he shut me out so completely.

If he'll ever understand how badly I needed him to apologize to me. So I would be able to say those 3 beautiful words: "I forgive you."

And mean it.

emotional dynamite

2010-04-18T03:31:00.056-04:00

I took a class on boundaries at my church a few months ago.

One day during one of our phone calls (Which had become very rare. In fact I’m pretty sure that was our last call. And only one of 3 total since we broke up.) I told him that I had realized that he had crossed my boundaries. He was furious, he said I was wrong and asked me “How?”

The concepts were still new to me and I was scared that if I tried to explain myself he’d get more angry. I wanted to stay on the phone for just a little while longer. I didn’t want to fight. So I said “never mind".

The truth is when we first reconnected I had no knowledge of what boundaries were much less how to protect mine. Or anyone else’s.

But that doesn’t mean they weren’t there. Or that he hadn’t crossed them. I know it was not to intentionally hurt me. I know he wanted to love me. But he didn’t just cross my boundaries, he used emotional dynamite and blew past all my boundaries, walls and barriers.

From the beginning I tried to tell him. To warn him.
With what little fight I had. (Which wasn't much due to all the years of going without love.)

But I tried.

I tried to tell him that I wasn't ready.
That I had things to work on within myself.
That intimate romantic relationships were not a safe place for me.
That the long distance would make it more challenging. Bring out all my insecurities.
That I wasn't strong enough.

I told him that it would take time for me to let go of my past hurts.
That I was scared that I wouldn't be able to grow fast enough.

But he wanted what he wanted and there was no stopping him.
He convinced both of us that he could handle it.
That he could be patient.
He spent hours on the phone, emailing, and texting me to try and convince me that I could open up to him. That I could lean on him for support. That there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could say. That would make him leave me.

I was lonely.
I was desperate for love.
I NEEDED to believe all the things he was telling me.
The things I had longed to hear for so long.
And to hear them from him made my heart swell with joy.
I loved him...I had loved him before…had never fully stopped loving him…and loved him even more then for the man that he had become.

I wanted to believe him. Believe in us.
But I was never blind.
I was never under any delusions.
I “saw” him. ALL of him.

"Love is not blind. It sees more. Not Less. But because it sees more. It is willing to see less."

In some ways it was those dark and scary places that I knew existed inside of him, as they did in me, that made me love him all the more.

I knew how badly I needed to be loved. For who I am. In spite of those places. Because of those places. And so I knew what he needed.

Or at least I thought I did.

I was naive. I thought…I truly believed that our love could conquer all the demons that came storming out of both our closets once we had unlocked the door.

"There's nothing to cry about, because we'll hold each other soon, in the blackest of rooms."

"If we make stories for each other
about what is in the room
we will never have to go in.

In the room we will find nothing.
In the room we will find each other" ~ Margaret Atwood

I knew all too well what it felt like to feel unloved.
To be left for my faults, my imperfections. My dark corners.

I wouldn’t do that to him.
I COULDN’T do that to him.

"Love of mine, if there's no one beside when your soul embarks, then I will follow you into the dark."

I prayed that I would be able to handle it. Hold it together.
I knew it would not be easy.
I had an inclination of the kind of feelings that would surface.

For both of us.

But I was determined to do whatever it took to let go of my past…and my fears.

He was worth it. I was worth it. We were worth it.

If I could just be stronger than I had ever been before. Then maybe…

This love.
This time.
Was going to last a lifetime.

He was safe. He felt like home.
I would be safe for him too. HOME.

Or so I believed.

“say home, see what comes.” ~ Shara McCallum

I did my best not to sabotage things. And I even succeeded somewhat. At first no matter what I threw at him he stood firm, grounded, strong.

He was a lovers rock. My rock.

I began to TRUST.

The mistake I made was thinking he was being open because he was encouraging me to be open. Because he told me he loved me.

I had gone so many years being with men who were so emotionally unavailable to me that just him saying “I love you” “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” felt more open than anything I could have ever imagined.

But I soon began to realize that he was only open to talking about me…not himself.
I realized that he had difficulty talking about the darker moments in life.

If I asked about a friend or an ex-girlfriend or a family member, I’d get a very nondescript answer and a quick change of subject.

If he had a bad day, he’d shut down and shut me out.

He'd get frustrated when I felt stressed or sad about things. If I had a bad day, he wanted me to just be silly and funny and talk about nothing of importance. If I couldn’t do that, he'd shut down and shut me out.

If I asked questions about our relationship, he’d get annoyed and tell me that I didn’t trust him.

The more I asked, the more I tried to “get in” the less he wanted to talk.

He started to pick me apart. Little by little.

I knew what he was doing.

But I also knew WHY.
I knew that he didn’t mean any of it to hurt me.
I’m not making excuses.
We all see how people are but we rarely take the time to know why.
And sometimes even when we know why we don't take the time to truly understand.
With him I knew why. And I understood.
And because of that I wouldn’t/couldn’t just give up on him.

I BELIEVE in him.

You don’t just give up on someone because they show you their not so pleasant parts.
We all have not so pleasant parts. I know I do.

I knew what he was doing.

He was sabotaging us. His happiness.
I knew it because I had done it so many times before.
Because I had done it with us in the beginning…and throughout.

He was trying to find something wrong with me…with us…and I was scared because I knew he’d succeed eventually. It’s often easier to find what’s wrong with something or someone than what’s right.

It’s much easier to find a reason to leave than it is to stay and work through it.

We sabotaged everything because it seemed obvious that one day it would all disappear anyway.

When he came to visit me on my birthday I could feel he was already pretty much gone.

Between that visit and the last time I had seen him…the sweet random, I love you or just thinking about you text had diminished to almost nothing. The nightly phone calls had decreased from nightly to every other night, to once a week, to sometimes not at all. He called me “baby” in that sweet loving voice less and less.

He didn’t cuddle me at night when we slept...

They were so many little things.

But every attempt I made to talk about it just made things worse.

He kept telling me that nothing had changed.
That it was all in my head.
That I just thought things were different because of my past.

But it wasn't in my head.
So much HAD changed.
Was changing.

I didn’t know what to say or how to act around him anymore. Everything I did or said seemed to be wrong in some way.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when he ended things shortly after my birthday.
I'll admit I was the one who initially said I needed some time to think.
But I NEVER wanted to break-up.
I just wanted us to have the time to work on things. Individually. Together.
We couldn’t go on the way we had been.

But he said that was it.
He was done.
He didn’t want to try. Not anymore. Not with me.

I begged him not to give up on us.
Not to walk away.
To believe in me. In us.

But there was no use.
It ended the way it began.
He wanted what he wanted and there was no stopping him. (He was as set on walking out as he had been on walking in.)

There was no reasoning with him.

I didn’t know what he wanted from me anymore. And he wasn’t willing to tell me.

Or let me give it to him.

spit and honey

2010-04-16T19:18:00.016-04:00

Poem by Shayla McCallum

spit and honey

my name
a sound
beautiful
unfamiliar

                          like myself

it soars from deep within him
rolls off his tongue
glides through his teeth
dripping like honey from his lips

                                                                          a moment

                                                                                                  time passes

again my name
again a sound
this time familiar

                                      like my life

storming from his throat
barely acknowledging his tongue
grinding through enamel
dripping like spit from his lips

                                                                     moment
                                                                                              and
                                                                                                           time

are not the same

                                             (no connection)

as different as

                     spit
             and
                   honey

what i learned

2010-04-16T19:08:00.005-04:00

Poem by Shayla McCallum

what i learned

never get too close
i’m almost positive i
remember you saying that

never let them know you
yes i’m sure
you said that also

understand you
that is forbidden

and above all
NEVER
EVER
let them hear your heart beating

isn’t that what you taught me
isn’t that what you said

finally angry!

2010-04-10T14:25:00.049-04:00

A few years ago during my third session with my current therapist, she stopped me in mid-sentence and said: "Shayla, I've noticed that you often say that you are frustrated by this or that, or that this or that person irritates you...but in actuality you are much more than frustrated or irritated, you are 'really F*#*ing pissed off; and until you accept that I think you are going to continue to have a lot of 'irritations' and 'frustrations'."

It had never realized all the negative associations I had placed on anger and how hard it was for me to admit that I got angry...esepcially at those I love. It felt wrong to me in many ways, I mean if I was a better person shouldn't I be able to see the other persons side and therefore not get angry? But what I have come to realize is that anger has it's place and time just like all the other emotions and that expressing it can be just as healthy as repressing it is unhealthy. I have realized that just because I understand someone, or see their side doesn't mean I have to excuse away their behavior or that I don't have the right to get angry.

I thought that I had gotten much better at admitting and expressing my anger. But a few weeks ago I became aware that I had recently fallen back into the trap of denying my anger.

For 5 months I protected him and defended him (in my heart and to others) and I continued to believe in him. Even when I knew it was only hurting me to do so and that he had not given me any reason for a very long time to feel the way that I did I just couldn't get angry because I simply couldn't believe that he could really be so cold and callous. I couldn't acknowledge that he could know he was hurting me and still just walk away. (That is not the man I know him to be.) It wasn't so much him leaving as it was the way he left that broke me. I didn't get angry at him because once again I had convinced myself that if I loved him, cared for him, understood him that I wouldn't be angry at him. The truth is facing the reasons why I should be angry with him was too painful.

Last week I finally got ANGRY!!!

It's taken me 5 months but in a strange way I am happy to say that I have finally moved into the anger stage of grieving the loss of our love and our relationship. I sent him an 'angry' email last week, explaining some of the ways he had hurt me and the thing that has surprised me most is that I don't regret sending it...not in the least. I didn't send it to hurt him or because I was lashing out as he probably thought, I said what I said so I could stop hurting myself by holding it all inside and by continually picking myself apart and blaming solely myself for our break-up. By clicking SEND I finally let go of my guilt and allowed myself to feel angry!

Since sending that email I've been reading up on the grieving process, in particular the stages of grief and although feeling angry definitely doesn't feel good, I've realized just how stuck I've been because of my refusal to get angry. Over the Easter weekend I spent a lot of time in prayer and asked God to help me release the remaining hurt and anger so that I can begin to move forward from here. I know that I have a long way to go before I can begin to feel 'Hope' again but I believe that speaking my anger has at last released me from it's power.

Movement through the stages of grief are not exatly linear, you can often go through multiple ones at a time and even more often fluctuate back and forth between several of the stages.

Shock
Denial
Pain
Guilt
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Loneliness
Reflection
Working Through
Reconstruction
Acceptance
Hope

dreams vs. reality

2010-04-08T01:32:00.008-04:00

"For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." Ecclesiastes 9:10

This isn't something I like to admit but I used to stand in judgment of people who worked in what I considered to be ‘mundane’ office jobs or any ‘meaningless’ job of some sort.

I never understood why people would just 'give up' on their dreams.

I remember when I left my corporate job a few years ago to start my own business many of my co-workers said to me "Wow, that's really brave, I wish I could do something like that." And I naively thought to myself “You can!” At times I was even self righteous and inconsiderate enough to say it.

I was so caught up in my own way of seeing the world…in my own definitions of ‘success’ that it never occurred to me that they like so many others had very valid reasons for what I viewed as ‘settling’ for less…it’s called REALITY.

Reality is a bitter pill I have had to swallow recently, one that’s taken me a very long time to get down. For years I have clamped my mouth shut or kept spitting it out like a young child refusing to take what was good and necessary for me because I didn’t like the taste of it. I have cried and moaned for Mary Poppins to show up with at least “a spoon full of sugar to make the medicine go down” but sometimes there simply is no 'delightful' way to accept the truth of what is.

I read a blog recently from a site that I like called NUDGE and in it the writer Sam (who is one of my favorites on that site) said something that really struck a chord with me and I have been praying about it and meditating on it for the last few days. Here’s some of what he said:

“Somehow, I think my generation has lost their sense of the Curse. We want meaningful jobs, fulfilling work. We don’t want sweat, we don’t want conflict, we don’t want suffering.

But what I learned cutting firewood in the late-summer heat doesn’t just apply to manual labor. The work of our lives can be meaningful, can be transformative, but it will be painful. You cannot hide from the Curse; you cannot run from suffering. No promotion or career track is going to change that.”

This quest he speaks of for the “meaningful job, fulfilling work” is one I know well. I look back at my life now and I see all the jobs I took for granted and the very poor, negative attitude I had towards them because they weren’t fulfilling or meaningful enough…because they weren’t my life dream…because I allowed my ego to get in the way...because I thought I was 'better' than that. And now I think, what a prideful fool I have been. What is so wrong with working a ‘mundane’ job if it gives you the stability and security so many of us long for; or at least I know I long for.

His blog could not have been more timely for me.
I am in desperate need of work right now.
And the thing I realized after reading his blog is this: Although I have been willing to do anything as long as I can pay my bills. His email made me realize that I don’t just need a temporary fix to my job situation; I need a permanent fix to the way I have continued to view work.

I am willing to do what I need to do. Clean houses. Waitress. Babysit. Whatever. (Other than take my clothes off or do anything illegal or morally corrupt).

But in the back of my mind I have still been clinging to this unrealistic quest for meaningful and fulfilling work.

I have been making plans to go back to school to get my M.A. in counseling.
Since I was a teenager I have had a passion for psychology and have often thought about a career as a therapist.

But if I am to really face reality. Right now is not the time to go back to school for many reasons. And if I am to face reality even further. That ‘dream’ may be something I have to give up on. Permanently.

Sometimes dreams are just that, dreams.
And maybe that's the best place to leave them. In our DREAMS.

I don’t say this in a depressive, giving up, self-defeating sort of way. I say this because I think it’s time I stop focusing so much on the 'dream of a perfect, meaningful, fulfilling job'. As Sam said “You cannot run from suffering. No promotion or career track is going to change that.”

In truth the only dream I have right now is for stability and peace of mind.

My job does not define who I am; it is simply what I do for a living. If I still find that I long for meaning and fulfillment then I will find it elsewhere in my life; in places that are bound to be much more meaningful and fulfilling than any job could ever be.

I think over the past few years I have put so much emphasis on my job because I had nothing else really. I have been single and lived alone for the most part since I was 19 (I’ve had a few boyfriends and roommates occasionally but not often and not for very long periods of time). In most of my 20’s I was a bartender in the crazy Miami scene so I drank and partied to fill the void. I gave up bartending when I was 27 and began to use Yoga and Meditation and an unhealthy obsession with eating in the most pure way possible…all to fill the void and try to cleanse myself of my ‘Bad’ parts.

Then last year God came knocking. Again.

I had not answered the door the last few times he had stopped by for a visit. Sometimes I’d ask “Who is it?” and then replied with “I’m not interested, thank you.” Without ever even opening the door to see what he had to say. But more often than not I had done little more than take a look through the peep hole and then pretended not to be home.

But last year after both my cats (who I had for 15yrs) died, my business declined, and my relationship failed; I was hurt and angry. I went looking for God. I not only opened the door. I kicked it in! I stomped my way into the house of the Lord and demanded that he explain why he had taken EVERYTHING from me!

And what I found surprised me.

I found no anger or judgment for my lack of faith and disrespect.

Instead I found a Love & Grace beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

God has not been the Mary Poppins I was hoping for. He hasn’t provided any spoonfuls of sugar. But with Love and the Sacrifice of his son he has dragged me kicking and screaming into reality.

It's been painful. I've had to fight hard against the desire to find something else to fill the void. But so far I have not 'filled' the void. Not even with another pet. Not yet. Not because I won't ever get a pet again. Or because I think I should deprive myself. But because I know that I need to give myself the time to work through the emptiness first. I need to be patient and comapassionate with myself. I need to stop trying to control and fix and allow things to unfold in time. Not something that comes naturally to me; or is at all easy.

I have to. TRUST.

“I don’t follow Jesus because I think Christianity is the best religion. I follow Jesus because he leads me into ultimate reality.” ~ Rob Bell (Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith)

These truths of Life and God and Jesus and Love and Grace and Reality are painful, and things that we maybe should; but often do not hold self evident.

Even now just knowing the truth is not enough.
It is a daily struggle for me to stay grounded in this. Reality.
The last 6 months broke me in many ways and I will never be the same.
Which I am hoping in the end will not be nearly as dramatic or as bad a thing as it sounds.

Returning from the dead
used to be something I did well

I began forgetting how
I began asking why ~ Margret Atwood (Power Politics)

But this time it’s not simply a matter of returning from the dead or picking up the shattered pieces and putting them back together.

The essence of who I am is the same. But in more ways than I have even yet to discover I’m not who I was. The broken pieces are scattered too far and wide this time to ‘collect myself’. Or at least the self I was previously acquainted with.

Regrowing the body, learning
speech again takes
days and longer
each time/too much of
this is fatal. ~ Margaret Atwood (Power Politics)

This time if I truly want to grow, I have to be willing to let go of those parts of myself that no longer serve me. It’s hard work. Even when it brings us suffering. It is often so much easier to hold onto what is familiar.

Letting go does not happen overnight.

I vacillate daily, hour by hour, often minute by minute between my newfound faith and my old desire to try to control the uncontrollable.

I die to myself and am reborn at least a million times a day.

nothing left...

2010-04-06T20:52:00.018-04:00

I hope Rob is right and that one day I will look back at this time in my life and my inability to go on as the best thing that could have happened. Because right now I'm scared as hell.

I don't remember the last time I had a reason to want to get out bed.
I can't remember what it feels like to feel 'alive'.
I don't have any sense of hope.
I have no dreams.
I can't go on.
I have nothing left but to stop and pray for the best.

It's easier to keep going than to stop and begin diving into the root causes.

What I have learned is that the deeper you go, the more painful it gets.

We have to be willing to drag up everything.

As long as I'm going and going and going, I don't have to stop and face my own pain. Stopping is just so difficult.

I learned that most of my life I avoided the abyss because it is the end of the game. There's no more pretending.

It is scary. It is scary to hit the wall because you don't know what it's going to feel like. and you might get hurt.

But what happened to me in those agonizing moments of despair, wa the best thing that could have happened.

I couldn't go on.

Usually we can go on. And that's the problem.

We put on the mask, suck it up, and keep going.

We find some extra reserve of strength and pretend like everything's fine, like that incident was just a minor blip that isn't a big deal.

But it is a big deal.

It's a sign that we are barely hanging on. And we ignore these little blips at the risk of our souls. It is only when something deep within us snaps that we are ready to start over and get help.

We have to let the game stop.

***From the book: Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith by Rob Bell

surrogates for real conversation - devices of isolation

2010-03-19T22:51:00.009-04:00

The below is borrowed from: Sam at Nudge (www.nudgesite.com)

I was just talking to two friends tonight about my love / hate relationship with "social"networking sites, texting and other technology based communication tools. If you know me you know what I like best is real human interaction. :)

From Nudge:

I find it ironic how buzzy words like community and communication have become. We have more devices of communication than ever before, but the title is misleading. As surrogates for real conversation – hours spent on front porches and over meals – they instead often function as devices of isolation. We have a difficult time being truly present (without our iPods, pda’s, text messages and Facebook chats) with just one person at any time. We are present nowhere precisely because we are “available” everywhere.

As for community – more people live alone now than ever before in the history of the world. We were raised by step-parents and live far away from our nuclear families. We have pets instead of children. We have flings instead of spouses. We move every six months. We cycle through relationships like we flip channels. These trends are not neutral. Our narcissism and fear of commitment – our incessant text messaging, tweeting and status updates – these things aren’t just annoying; they’re destructive.

Christ prayed that we would all be “one” as he and the Father are “one” (John 1720). The work God wants to do on earth isn’t to get us out of here before he burns the place. He wants restoration. He wants unity.

Like it or not, your iPhone’s probably not helping that cause. I’m not going to campaign against technology or stage a Kindle burning, but it’s important to realize that our use of technology does not play a passive role in the working out of the Kingdom of God. If our use of “communication devices” is hindering true communication and true community (and I imagine it is, for all of us), to that same extent, it’s hindering the Kingdom.

Now go burn your iPod.

Just kidding. But really.

serve vs. deserve

2010-03-13T01:13:00.009-05:00

I was born TO serve... not deserve.

Just something I've been thinking about. :)

judge not.

2010-02-18T22:53:00.005-05:00

Whether you are a Christian or not we are familiar with the quote "Judge not, that ye be not judged." ~ Luke 6:1

If I am honest I have struggled a lot throughout my life with letting go of what feels like a natural tendency to be judgemental. So, I have spent a lot of time meditating on this issue recently and about 2 weeks while reading my Bible one morning I came across a passage that turned on a light bulb for me.

"For who among men knows the thoughs of man except the man's spirit within him?" 1 Corinthians 2:11

I realized for the first time that we are told to judge not because it's not just that it's not nice but because we literally cannot judge because we cannot see into another's heart. We see how people are but we do not know why.

I am sure I am not alone in having met people in life that I judged and disliked based on very little information, and then one day for one reason or another I got to know them on a more intimate level, heard a little of their story and realized that I had been so wrong about them.

So at those moments when I feel tempted to judge someone verbally or even just in my head I remind myself that I can't judge them because only God and that person knows what is truly in their heart. For me the term judge not stops there, it is not about not wanting to be judged myself but simply Judge Not.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the Heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7

love never fails

2010-02-14T18:26:00.006-05:00

Take a listen to:
Love Never Fails Video of a Beautiful song by Brandon Heath

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I am learning to love and allow myself to be loved like this...

deeply loved

2010-02-11T00:20:00.002-05:00

Angel said: "Don't be afraid, for you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace; take heart and be strong!"

Daniel said: "Now you may speak my lord, for you have strengthened me." ~ Daniel 10:19

On my way home tonight I was listening to my favorite Christian Radio Station and they had a great comedian on by the name of Ken Davis, he made some cute jokes about kids and what they do to avoid going to bed. He spoke about that overwhelming feeling of love that he gets when he looks at his kids and how he would never do anything that would risk their life and reminded us that God gave us his son at a time when we were living in terrible sin and he allowed Jesus to die in order to free all of us from our sin and suffering so that we could experience the true joy of what it feels like to be deeply loved by God.

If you've read some of my previous blogs you probably know that I have been going through some rough times lately. I am trying to learn to not just love myself but to like myself . It's taken me a long time to get where I am today and I'm not sure how long it will take for me to fully embody the truths that I am now learning but I am grateful everyday for the path that I am on.

One of the things that resonated most with me that Ken Davis said at the very end of his performance was that when you really learn to trust in God and embrace his love that you begin to experience true joy, not always happiness because happiness often depends on circumstance and happenings...but true joy. I really needed to hear that, it reminded me that even though I am going through a difficult period of growth right now and I feel sad a lot of the time, nothing can take away the deep joy and feeling of peace I have found in the Lord.

"For we know how dearly God has loved us. It is that knowledge - his love for us - that will set us on our feet and strengthen us."

With Love & Grace ~ Shayla McCallum

accepting grace

2010-02-05T00:40:00.008-05:00

I am realizing that accepting Grace is not easy...

Accepting the truth about myself is not easy either but not in the way that you'd initially think; I don't have a problem seeing the bad about myself I have a difficult time seeing the good.

Here's a quick little story to sum up how I often feel about myself.

The other night my good friend Natalie was over and we were talking about a lot of things...books, religion, people, love, life...

I mentioned to her that I had been thinking that maybe I needed a new therapist because I felt like my current therapist likes me too much. She asked me why, and I said well I don't think she really calls me out on my "stuff" as much as she should. As Natalie and I spoke some more about it I began to realize that my therapist actually has and does call me out when necessary, she is not the problem, it's me and the negative view I often have of myself. What I realized I was actually saying to Natalie was that my therapist must not see who I really am because she wouldn't like me if she did.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I've been working on asking for forgiveness from people in my life who I may have wronged in some way or who I have simply been ungrateful for. During this period of making ammends I've noticed something...I don't really know how to accept Grace.

Most of the people I have reached out to have kindly and quickly accepted my apology and told me there really wasn't that much for me to feel bad about in the first place. This response hasn't sat well with me...I have often felt the need to remind them of all the "horrible" things I have done and give them examples of how ungrateful I was. Repeatedly they have said, it's no big deal really, we all make mistakes, we live and learn and all that matters is that you see things differently now.

I have left feeling a little lighter and uplifted and very grateful to them for thier Grace but I haven't truly understood why they have so easily given it to me. It boggles my mind that they can't see what a "bad" and "horrible" person I've been. In fact it's almost been easier for me to accept the lack of Grace from those who have refused my apology either by ignoring me or by telling me that they are unable to forgive me.

This is the crux of the problem with my therapist and much of the way I have gone through life...it is not about anyone else I am the one who is unable to give myself Grace and accept that it's ok that I am not I'm not perfect or all "good" all the time. I have spent much of the last 20 years attempting to expunge myself of all the bad in me because I have not been able to understand that I am loveable otherwise...who would love a person who does "bad"things sometimes...no one (or so I've been telling myself for 34 years)...therefore if there is bad in me then I am not loveable; I must get rid of the bad if I am ever to be loved...in my mind good and bad could not coexist.

Much of this belief stems from my childhood and the positive focus that was put on "good" qualities and achievements and the equally negative focus that was put on "bad" qualities or the lack of achievement. I have spent much of my adult life trying to be good enough to be loved.

For the past 7 or so years I have said that I am not going to allow my past to dictate my future, that it no longer mattered what happened in my childhood because I'm an adult now and it's silly to focus on things I cannot change. The thing I didn't realize was that although I cannot change the past if I don't deal with it, I mean really deal with it; then that part of myself will never really be healed. If I just ignore it or try to erase it from my memory because I think I am too old to still let those things bother me then they will continue to negatively affect the present and the future; often in ways that I am not even conscious of because I am so busy focusing on being an adult and not letting those things bother me anymore.

I have always been very expressive and never considered myself to be someone who wasn't dealing with how I feel, but this morning I woke up and realized that is exactly what I've been doing because more often than not I've tried to be someone else, I've displaced my feelings onto the wrong person or thing, and I've expressed a false emotion instead of what I was truly feeling (like sadness when I'm really angry). The wrong or false expression of emotion is still avoidance.

I didn't realize until very recently just how much I've avoided and how much I've allowed my negative and unrealistic view of myself and my need for perfection and control to enmesh itself in very destructive ways into all areas of my work, family and love relationships. I have allowed it to imprison and isolate me.

I'd love to end this blog on some positive uplifting note and say that knowing these things about myself have been the key to unlocking the cage I've locked myself in... I'd like to say that I've given myself the Grace that God and others do...but if I'm carefully honest as I'm trying hard to be these days then I have to admit that I'm not there.

I am doing everyhing I can and I am keeping my faith in God but the truth is right now it all just feels overwhelming and I feel really sad.

why i wasn't always a Christian...and why i am now

2010-01-28T23:16:00.006-05:00

...deep breath...

Why wasn't I always a Christian?
To put it simply, no one ever told me God Loves You.
No one ever said:

"There is nothing you could EVER do to make God love you less.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing." ~ Rob Bell

As I mentioned in a previous blog I wasn't raised with a religion.
My Mother and Father were Rastafarian's.
I don't know much about Rastafarianism but I do know that my Mother has read much of the Bible and does believe that Jesus is the Messiah. However she did not try to instill her beliefs or any beliefs for that matter on us. She believed we should have the freedom to choose for ourselves...a beautiful concept in theory (we'll get to that later).

For as long as I can remember I have asked the questions...

Why am I here?
Who am I really?
What is my purpose?

Deep down I have always known there was something bigger than me, I just didn't know who or what that was. And so I spent 20 years of my life from the age of 14 to 34 trying to find that answer.

I read every self-help, metaphysical and new-age book there is, I studied the sacred text and writings of almost every religion, I tried virtually every type of spiritual practice, and I even experimeted with a number of ways of living, eating and being in the world...but I always avoided Christianity. Ok if I'm honest, I didn't just avoid it, I looked down my nose on it, I judged it and had a strong dislike of what I perceived it to be and a distaste for many of it's followers.

Why?

I'm not really sure of all the reasons.
In part because my growing up although my Mother read the Bible and believes that Jesus is the Messiah she wasn't Christian and she often spoke very negatively of the religion, even going so far as to call it the Devil's work during some of her more frantic rants.

In part because throughout my life I occasionally encountered some of the more judgmental and hypocritical followers of that faith...you know the kind who like to use the Bible and the teachings of Jesus as justification to hate others... those who are gay... those who have abortions.... those who have sex before marriage... those who aren't Christian... you get the point, you know the kind.

I'm not really sure of all the other reasons.
Looking back, knowing what I know now, I would say it had a lot to do with my misperceptions of what being Christian really meant.

One core thing that kept me from being a Christian is that I simply did not understand the concept of a savior. To reiterate what I said in a previous blog, I was well known for saying things like:

"It's nothing personal against Jesus, I think he was a great man, I believe he is a prophet, I really like all the things he taught, but I don't believe in a messiah because I don't believe anyone can save me but myself."

How wrong I was...

But I think even that statement was the fruit and not the root of why I wasn't Christian.

I believe the root of the issue is what I said in the beginning: No one ever told me that me God loves me unconditionally. No on ever told me:

"You have always been loved,
you are loved,
and you will always be loved." ~ Rob Bell

It is this central understanding of pure unconditional love and my belief that Jesus is my savior why I am now a Christian.

It is this understanding why I said the "freedom to choose" that my parents gave me as a child was not necessarily the best decision. We all have the freedom to choose what we believe, regardless of what our parents or anyone else shares with us. I am not angry with my parents for the decision they made because I understand that they like everyone else did the best they could, with what they knew in that moment. However to put someone in a world where unconditional love is not given often (if ever) without even instilling the knowledge in them that they are loved no matter what by God in my opinion is not the healthiest condition for a soul. (This is my opinion, it does not have to be yours, it is simply what I recognize as truth based on my life experiences.)

When you study the Bible you begin to understand that God never intended for humans to experience Evil; he understood that our souls were too tender to experience that kind of darkness without being deeply wounded. But because of Adam and Eve and the Fall we live in a world that is filled with evil... so how does a soul reconcile this? The answer is that's why God gave us Jesus.

If you are a good and loving parent (as God is to us); the concept should be very easy to understand. You know the world can be hurtful and cruel, so do you not do everything you can to protect your child(ren) against that? Do you not try to teach them all the ways that you believe will help them better cope with lifes' stresses? Would you not do anything, give anything that is within your power to ease their suffering? God does the same for us and the beautiful thing is that he is not bound my the limitations that human parents are... if you let him he can create miracles in your life.

Before becoming a Christian, I didn't adhere to one religion, I just considered myself spiritual. The religion I was closest to being was probably Buddhism which is ironic since Buddhist teachings are called "The Way" and Jesus says "I AM The Way". I still enjoy much about Buddhism but the thing I have come to realize that is missing... the reason why Buddhist are known for saying that "Life is Suffering" is becuase in Buddhism there is no savior; you are expected to somehow figure it out on your own and save yourself (they are nice enough to give us several lives to accomplish this though :) ...hence the belief in reincarnation). It's somewhat ironic that a religion that teaches it's followers to let go of the ego would have such an ego-centered belief. What the Buddhist teach as "The Way" is exactly right... it is exactly the way Jesus lived his life and what he taught his disciples. The problem with religions that disregard the savior is that as a follower it's easy to get stuck in an endless cycle of suffering because without a savior you have no way to Salvation.

Self-Salvation is not possible.
Remember, God did not orginally create us to experience evil, therefore he did not give us the ability to save ourselves from that evil.

I still have an open world view of religions but for me there was really no other way (and trust me I tried). I don't think everyone has to be a Christian but I do think there needs to be the basic understanding that God loves you no matter what and that you have already been freed of your sins; life is hard enough as it is so...

Why crucify yourself?
Why bear the cross that is not yours to carry?

If you think about it, in all the time that humans have been on Earth, how many among us have found Salvation / Enlightenment on our own?

Even if we think we will come back tens, hundreds, even thousands of times until we get it right... we must think really highly of ourselves if we think we can accomplish what so few before of has.

Is the belief that we are unloveable so strong that we can't even believe that God loves us?
Is it so hard to believe that he loves us enough to give us his only begotten son to free us of evil and sin and the endless cycle of suffering?
Can we really not believe that there is nothing we could EVER do to make God love us less?

Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.

boundaries...truths...confessions...repentance...forgiveness

2010-01-25T22:02:00.007-05:00

I have been reading a lot lately, I've always liked to read but there are definitely times in my life when I just can't seem to find the time or desire to read...not even fiction; that has not been the case for the last few months.

I just finished a great quick read called Traveling Light by Max Lucado, I really enjoyed the simplicity of it, how important the information was and the useful tips Lucado gives on how to apply it; he is realistic about what it's like to be human which is refreshing.

I used to read a lot of "self-help" books but I often found that they brought a lot of things to my attention about myself, others and the world in general but they give little advice or true wisdom on what to do about any of it. Often after finishing a book I had to read at least 5 more to "help" me with all the new issues and problems I was now aware of thanks to the "helpful" book I just read. :)

One of the things I am finding comforting in Christian Inspired books is that though they still make you aware that you have "issues and problems" they repeatedly remind you that God loves you unconditionally "God loves the sinner but hates the sin" (which for me has been one of the most important things to learn); and they give you very practical advice, often using insights from the Bible on how you can begin to allow yourself to be changed.

I am reading two other great books right now one is called Hiding From Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns that Isolate and Imprison You by John Townsend; intense title I know but the book so far is one of the best and most important I have ever read, and not as intense as the title would have you think; though it is deep and powerful work! I'll have to speak more on this book later, I am still processing and digesting a lot of what is coming up and I feel like it's a little too early to say much on this matter.

The other book I'm reading is called Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend (yes same author as above). I truly believe this is a must read for EVERYONE whether you are Christian or not. We all have boundary issues, areas in our life where we cross boundaries or allow others to cross ours...many of us (I speak of myself) don't even know what a boundary really is, we've heard the word, thought we understood, but really don't...and since we don't understand what they are, it makes it rather difficult to set them.

I want to clarify something for all my fellow boundaryless folks...and the ones who know and love us. Please don't make the mistake to think that just because we don't know how to set them, doesn't mean we don't have them.

Here are a few things I'd like to mention about being boundaryless:

- We don't have well established ones.
- We confuse them with others things like walls and test of love (that you will never breakdown or pass).
- We don't know how to tell you what they are because we aren't sure ourselves.
- We are afraid you won't love us if we set them.
- We don't mean to disrespect yours but sadly, boundaryless people often view boundaries as an obstacle to intimacy instead of the fence that protects it (I know I did).

So anyway, my intention when I began writing this blog was to talk more about what I am doing now that I've come to recognize that I haven't always had good boundaries...so let me get back to that. :)

This morning before work, I read a very interesting section in the Boundaries book about the Law of power, below are 6 laws of power that Cloud & Townsend discuss along with some of my thoughts about each of the points they make.

From the book Boundaries, The Law of Power (Pg 89)Though you do not have the power in and of yourself to overcome these patterns, you do have the power to do some things that will bring about change later:

1. You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems. You have that ability to at least say "that is me." You may not be able to change it yet, but you can confess.

Just last night I was on the phone with one of my sisters and I was telling her that I have come to realize recently that I have not always seen myself as clearly as I thought I did. Because she is my sister she was quick to jump to my defense. I explained to her that I am not in any way saying that I am a "bad" person simply that I have not always been in alignment with the "good" person I thought I was and that because of that I made a lot of poor decisions that have created many problems for me; I think it's important that I recognize that. I understand the truth now.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do; but what I hate, I do...For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do, this I keep doing...waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work." Romans 7:15, 19, 23

2. You have the power to submit your inability to God. You always have the power to ask for help and yield. "If you do what you are able - confess, believe and ask for help - God will do what you are unable to do - bring about change." (1 John 1:9, James 4:7-10, Matthew 5:3.6)

This has been one of the hardest struggles in my life. Up until a few months ago I would have argued until I was blue in the face that I believed in God and that I was willing to submit my inabilities and my life to him...but I can admit now that simply wasn't true. Giving up the illusion of control that I thought I had is not easy for me but I also know that if I do not then I do not really believe that God will help me. I cannot even begin to tell you how it easy it has been to convince myself that my obsessive need to control was based in a belief in God and that I am doing what he wants. Truth is I was never quiet enough or still enough to hear what God was saying; I was much to busy controlling and planning my next move. I never asked God for help...I never asked what he wants for me. I'm asking now.

3. You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within you and your boundaries.

This one actually comes pretty naturally to me. Though much of my life I've been looking in the wrong places for the answers I have always had a desire to learn more about myself and try to be a better person; I often ask others to help me see what I cannot see about myself. I have found that God often reveals things to you through other people and the experiences we have as we go through life. Only problem is I haven't always been the best listener. I'm listening now.

4. You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentance. This does not mean that you'll be perfect; it means that you can see your sinful parts as aspects that you want to change.

I have the tendency to focus on what is wrong with me rather than what is good so it's easy for me to take this one way too far. The important thing I have learned is that even though I sin I am not a bad person and unless I can truly accept that then I won't be able to turn away from the evil within myself because I am focusing all my thoughts towards those evils instead of turning away and praying for God to change me. I am allowing myself to be changed now.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24

5. You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs. You need to ask God and others to have those needs met.

Up until a month ago I believed that I was a very humble person. I have come to realize that I was far from that...I have come to realize just how much I have allowed my ego, pride and arrogance to make me very ungrateful for many of the things and most importantly good people God has graced with me because I was too caught up in my own nonsense to see beyond myself. I thought I "deserved" more (the word deserve has become on of my least favorite words) none of us "deserve" anything...we reap what we sow, it's that simple. In most cases if I haven't had my needs met it was because I was too prideful to ask humbly enough. I am reminded of lyrics to one of my favorite Counting Crows songs "round here we talk just like lions but we sacrifice like lambs." I am humbling myself now.

6. You have the power to seek out those you have injured and make amends. You need to do this in order to be responsible for yourself and your sin, and be responsible to those you have injured.

I started the process of making amends before I even started to read this book; it just seemed like something I should do. Last week in particular I woke up with a very strong need to seek out a lot of people from my past and say that I was sorry. I haven't committed the most terrible sins but a sin is a sin and as I mentioned previously I have not always lived my life in the way that I believed I was.

Here's the thing I've realized about asking for forgiveness...I have to be willing to accept whatever responses or lack of responses I receive. Many of the people I have reconnected with to make amends have graciously forgiven me. Some have not. And some have not responded at all, which I suppose means they have not forgiven me or they just don't care enough to be bothered by me anymore. Whatever their response or reason I have to constantly remind myself what my intentions are. It's easy to get caught in the cycle of justifying why I injured others..."they hurt me too" yes injury is often a two way street but I am confessing my sins, I am repenting for my wrong doings, I am the one trying to make amends...I cannot control others. Funny that I should be brought full circle to the primary lesson of boundaries. "You need the wisdom to know what is you and what is not you."

The thing I have realized is that most people are very willing to forgive, even happy to do so. And God forgave me the moment I confessed. The hard part is forgiving myself. I am forgiving and forgiven now.

resisting the shepherd no more

2010-01-21T22:27:00.004-05:00

"Why is it that the ones who most need a Shepherd resist him so?"

This is a question that has come up a lot for me lately.
A lot has happened to bring me to the place that I am right now.

I wasn't raised with a religion but for as long as I can remember I have had a strong desire to explore and understand the deeper issues in life...

I longed to learn how to love myself and on a larger scale I hungered to attain "Enlightenment" which for me was really no more than another word for "Perfection".

I spent years studying every philosophy and religion (other than Christianity)...I tried every type of spiritual practice...Every way of eating (Vegetarian, Vegan, Raw)...Every type of exercise plan...Every type of yoga (from Ashtanga to Bikram). And at the end of the day all this did for me was give me more things to dislike about myself and more reasons to believe that I was further and further away from "Enlightenment / Perfection"

I was looking for love in all the wrong places...looking for love in too many faces!

Instead of finding love for myself...I found hatred for myself.
Instead of finding inner peace...I found inner chaos.
Instead of finding understanding...I found confusion.
Instead of finding happiness and harmony...I found extreme sadness and rage.
Instead of finding balance...I found the scales precariously tipped to the wrong side!

What was I doing wrong???

I read every self help and new age book and most sacred religious text (except the Bible or anything to do with Christianity). I lived a holistic lifestyle, I ate right, I drank green tea, I recycled, I went to yoga 6 days a week (sometimes 7), I meditated, I burned incense...and still I wanted to smack someone! (most often myself)

I was doing everything the books and my "gurus" were telling me but it wasn't working...WHY?

I'll tell you what...
It all comes down to one core belief that I used to hold near and dear...

I believed I was my savior.

Yes, you heard me correctly...I believed I was my savior.
I often said...
"It's nothing personal against Jesus, I think he was a great man, I believe he is a prophet, I really like all the things he taught, but I don't believe in a messiah because I don't believe anyone can save me but myself."

Why oh why did I bear that cross.
Why oh why did I spend so many years crucifying myself.
Why was it so hard for me to believe that I could come down off the cross because Jesus had already been up there for me and that God does not want me to bear all the burdens I had put on myself...by myself.

"With his own pierced hands, Jesus created a pasture for the soul. He tore out the thorny underbrusch of condemnation. He pried loose the huge boulders of sin. In their place he planted seeds of Grace and dug huge ponds of Mercy." ~ Max Lucado

At this moment and time I don't want to get into all that occured in the past year of my life that allowed me to really hear and see from my heart for the first time in my life. (I may in future blogs but each are individual stories of thier own and deserve the respect of thier own space instead of being crammed into this blog.)

This blog is simply to say that I am continually AMAZED at the comfort and peace I have found in my faith.
I find it painfully interesting that I spent so many years suffering because of my strong resistance to knowing the Lord. I will try to dive deeper into some of the reasons for my resistance and the small joys I am discovering in my soul and in my relationship with God in future blogs because these words are not nearly enough to express what I feel in my heart; but for now I will close with...

"I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see."

living as children of light - ephesians 4:17 - 5:20

2010-01-11T11:04:00.009-05:00

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated form the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is Jesus. You were taught with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen....Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loves us and gave himself up for us a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)...Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible. This is why it is said:

“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

Be very careful then, how you live – not as unwise but wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil…Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything.

around and within...

2009-09-30T19:40:00.007-04:00

"What occurs around you and within you reflects your own mind and shows you the dream you are weaving." ~ Unknown

It's been a long time since I've written a personal blog.
I could try to name reasons why that is but all I can say is that until today I haven't felt compelled.

Since my last entry I fell in love with a strong and wonderful man who has been my teacher in more ways than he will probably ever know. He challenges me every day to be a better version of me and I am so grateful for him.

I've also been spending a lot of time on my business (too much time).
Much of the past year and half since first starting my business has been spent in a bit of world wind....trying to keep up with the flow and the struggle of relying on just that for my financial well being. I feel very fortunate that in such difficult economic times that I have been able to do as well as I have, but the past 3 months have been particularly trying.

My business struggles, some personal family matters, and the act of falling in love with the person I want to spend my life with has caused me to spend some time evaluating what is really important to me in my life.

I have realized that many of the things that I was doing because I thought it was bringing me closer to what I loved has done little but create more distance.

I woke up this morning with the very clear thought that the only thing that truly matters to me is the people I love and the amazing love and support they give me.

Where I live and what I do for a living are of little value if I am alone.

I don't watch a lot of TV but one show that I love and will watch for hours on end if there is a marathon is the Golden Girls. Yep, I said the Golden Girls. : ) I love the show not only because it's funny but because at the end of every episode they come back to one central theme...that no matter what happens, how mad you get at someone, or what ever struggles you are going through; if you keep love, family and friendship foremost in your life you can make it through anything.

My life has gotten so noisy I can't even hear myself think anymore, I need to cut out some of the external noise.

I don't want to measure my personal success by my business success.

I don't want to spend every waking minute working.
I want to spend more time rediscovering the things I love and used to find enjoyment in before my business took over my life.
I want to have the time on the weekends to leisure at a coffee shop or spend the afternoon hiking.
I want to be able to take a REAL vacation!

The dream I have been weaving is not the one I had envisioned. So I need to shift what's around me and within me so I can start weaving a new dream filled with love and family and frienship.

In short I want to spend time being me with the people I love and respect.

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

it could be different...

2009-04-08T23:56:00.010-04:00

"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...if anything is excellent or praiseworthy...think about these things." ~ st. paul

i haven't watched the news or read the newspaper for years...longer than i can remember in fact.

when people find this out the first question they usually ask is: "why?"
and i say: "because i don't want to contaminate my brain."

then they usually ask: "but how do you know what's going on in the world?"
and i say: "unfortunately, i still do."

i used to have my computer homepage set to msn and i would occasionally catch a headline or two when first logging on. but during the time when the young man shot all the students at virginia tech i changed my homepage to yogajournal.com

why?

because unlike much of the world i was not at all interested in hearing his life story or reading his journal entries or watching video tapes of him...i didn't even want to see his picture, but i couldn't even log on to the internet without being bombarded by his picture and the gruesome headlines that were attached to it.
i know they were many, even families of the victims that said things like: "we have a right to know why he did what he did."

but i question this statement.

i ask you...when someone commits a horrible crime such as the virginia tech killings...is anything ever really going to give us the answers that will ease our pain?
if we know that a serial killer used to torture animals when he or she was a young child...is that really going to help us understand why they took a fellow humans life?
are we going to feel better if we uncover journals and videotapes that show that this person was plotting his crime for months?
are we going to get closure if we know that they showed clear signs of psychological distress for years but fell through the system?

but in truth what concerns me most is that our "need to know" mentality has created or perhaps stems from a world filled with news and television shows so sensationalized that they don't even frighten us or make us cry anymore because we are so desensitized.
i wonder if part of our "need to know" is really a longing to feel something when we hear these tragic stories. the story itself barely causes any sort of emotional sensation...and so unconsciously we thirst for more...
maybe if "we know" if we hear more of the details we will begin to feel some of the sadness or horror or remorse or compassion that on some level we know we should be feeling...but aren't.

i was with a friend's young daughter the other day and i was helping her with her homework.
in one of her assignments she had to write a short news brief.
she told me that she was thinking of writing about a child being kidnapped.
i suggested that maybe she write about something more positive.
and she said "but my teacher said it should be exciting."
i said "good things are exciting."
and she said "not really, i think i'll write about the child being kidnapped."

and i thought well, there it is...from the mouths of babes.
this is the next generation we as nation and as a world are nurturing.
little people who have more high tech gadgets than the jetsons did and yet they are bored by everything.
(::sigh:: but that is a whole other discussion entirely.)

there was a time not too long ago when the news was on once a day.
but now there are stations dedicated to the news 24 hours a day and even local stations show the news anywhere from 3 to 5 times a day, not to mention all the news breaks or commercials for what's coming up on the news.

trust me when i tell you that not watching the news or reading the newspaper in no way prevents me from knowing what's going on in the world.

i am all too aware that people are being raped and murdered daily.
that we are emotionally, sexually and physically abusing our children.
that our animals are neglected and tortured not just in factory farms but by the very people who voluntarily choose to take them on as a pets.
that wars go on all over the planet just as they have for hundreds of years.
that we are killing the earth, the very thing that sustains our life.
that 1 out of every 3 people will be diagnosed with some form of cancer within their lifetime.
that 1 out of every 150 children will be diagnosed with some form of autism.
that psychological disorders such as depression and anxiety are on the rise.
that real estate market has crashed.
and that we are in the midst of a serious national and global economic crisis.

it is not necessary to watch the news to know these things.
it is impossible to be alive in this world and not know it...to not feel it hanging heavily in the air...

so you may be asking, well if you still know all of this why not just watch the news?

well to start, one of the main benefits of not watching the news is that my emotional sensitivity is exactly where it should be. to some who are more desensitized it may seem like i have a heightened sense of emotions but i don't think so.

i think it is perfectly normal to be annoyed that news reporters are trained to tell these horrific tales with little or no emotional expression.

i think it is perfectly normal to cry when i hear that a young man woke up one morning, loaded a gun and proceeded to shoot several of his classmates...and when i cry, it is not just for the lives he took but for his as well which was lost long before that day.

i think it's perfectly normal to be enraged when i hear that thousands of people are left stranded with no food or water after one of the worst hurricanes or natural disasters this country has ever seen. did i mention that this happened in the very same country that prides itself on being "the greatest country in the world"

i think it is perfectly normal to feel sad for days after hearing about the starving children and the hundreds dying from aids in third world countries.

i think it is perfectly normal to have nightmares about any and all of this!

but the main reason i don't watch the news is this...

i believe that our every thought both on an individual and collective level works together in perfect synchronicity with universal energy and the world in which we live today is a manifestation of our own creation.

the time to turn off the news and away from the negative and to turn to each other and towards the positive is more important than ever.

i am asking you to just try it.
turn off the news and do not actively read any news stories for at least one week and see how you feel. if you can go a month even better. if you can last a lifetime even better still. if you just can't take it and really need a news fix try one of the following websites instead of the usual drama.

www.goodnewsnetwork.org
www.happynews.com
www.goodnewsdaily.com
www.goodnewsbroadcast.com
www.gnmagazine.org

bet you didn't know that with all this bad stuff going on...that there's just as much good!

i truly believe that everything that is happening in the world today is happening to help us all to become a little more enlightened about the things that really matter.

if there is one thing i know for sure it is this...

if we continue to fill our heads with everything that is wrong with the world and keep saying things like, "this is just how it is...child abuse happens...people get murdered...there will always be war." ...well then we won't be wrong...that is how it will always be.

but what if it could be different?
what if we started thinking about that instead...
what then?

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

choppy water...

2009-03-09T00:23:00.012-04:00

so it's been a while since i've written...

throughout my life things have always seemed to happen in waves.

at times the good things just keep crashing in and suddenly i am an expert surfer blissfully riding the waves to new heights...

other times a storm hits and the water becomes choppy and threatens to take me down...

unfortunately, the last month and a half has a been a bit like the latter...i have some guilty and angry feelings with myself that i am dealing with because deep down i know that i saw the storm building on the horizon and yet i chose to ignore the signs.

ignorance may be bliss in the moment but it blinds the sight and as my friend todd has said recently why not make present sight 20/20.

why do we wait for the perfect vision that hindsight always brings?

i know that i will make it through this storm as i have so many others and i know that my sails will be repaired one day...a little more battered and bruised but also stronger.

still in the midst of the storm and not seeing a break in the clouds as of yet...i am left trying to hold things together while also thinking about what lessons there are to be learned from all of this.

maybe i shouldn't even be writing this blog in my current state...maybe it comes off as histrionic or overly dramatic but i guess i've had way too much time to think.

i have no definite answers as of yet...i know that no matter what i will make it through and the lessons are valuable ones.

there will be more storms on the horizon that i will miss i'm sure but let's hope that when all is said and done a storm such as this will not catch me unawares again...

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

little F*cking pearls of wisdom...

2009-02-12T02:07:00.006-05:00

sensuality: to use creative movement to touch

every part of our being lovingly and gently.

~ definition by bryan kest

grayhawk yoga hosted the wonderful and gracious bryan kest for a master class tonight. (that's me and him in the picture above)

bryan uses the word F*CK more than any other yoga teacher and quite possibly any other person i have ever met...which was just fine with me since he's just being who he is!
i often find that people don't fit the mold we think they should which teaches us to stop putting people in categorized boxes.

everything bryan said was really great and spoke to exactly where i am right now in my yoga practice and the practice of everyday living. much of what he said has come up in conversations i have had with several friends recently...synchronicity is a crazy thing!

as per usual i took notes. if you know anything about me...you know i ALWAYS have a camera and take pictures constantly...and i often take notes, even in general conversations...i guess i am documenting my life in a way...but truth is i just find other people and the things they say fascinating...so many of us are wise beyond our own understanding.

so anyway, here are a few little pearls that bryan shared with us tonight...ENJOY!!!

* it's hard to be a spark in the middle of the ocean, the flame can be extinguished pretty quickly; but when you come together with other sparks the flame burns much brighter.

* the only thing that differentiates people like gandhi, martin luther king, mother theresa, jesus and so many others that we all mutually agree were "great" people is that they have loved us more than anyone else ever has.

* can you imagine kneeling at the feet of jesus and him looking at you and saying "man you're fucking fat."

* and now we have all these different schools of "yogic" thought thinking that they are right and all the others are wrong and i'm thinking...fuck i thought this was supposed to free us from all this shit.

* and there are people who want to standardize the way yoga is taught...how can you standardize the dissemination of love?

* an opinion is only right for the person who is saying it, in the moment they are saying it...talk to them in 10 or 20 years, their opinions will have changed.

* there is no right or wrong way to do yoga. there is absolutely no way to do yoga incorrectly. a posture is perfect exactly how you do it every time.

* yoga doesn't want to change you, why would you change something that is already perfect?

* if you come to yoga to change, you have already defeated the entire purpose of yoga.

* most of us end up using yoga to facilitate the very dysfunction that is making us and this planet sick...obsession with physical perfection and the idea that you are not enough just as you are.

* the fastest way to disrespect yourself is to compare yourself to someone else.

* we end up strengthening the things in our lives that cause us stress because we are not able to accept our life for the way that it is in this very moment.

* you have to love every moment of the process. how can you learn anything from something if you hate the entire process.

* you can't be thinking about something and be present at the same time.

* harvard university states that studies show that 90% of our thoughts are habitual and reoccurring. in other words, we spend 90% of our lives thinking about shit that has already happened and no longer serves us.

* studies have also shown that the majority of diseases begin in the mind...they are completely psychosomatic. our thoughts are literally making us sick.

* when you look at the great minds throughout history they all said one thing...look at the quality of your mind. not the quality of your physical appearance, not if you can touch your head to your toes, not if you can do a handstand...but look at the quality of your mind.

* in the west we pay people $150 an hour to listen to our problems. in the east you give your problems and negative thinking absolutely no energy at all.

* the harder you are on something the faster you wear it out.

* the only way to care for something is to touch it gently.

* it doesn't matter what the force is, it's all gentle depending on if it's appropriate for the situation...you wouldn't pet a german shepherd with the same force that you would an ant, but to each the touch would be gentle even though the force you use would be different.

* some of you may ask if the physical isn't important why is my class so hard?
because in order to learn how to be calm, you have to be challenged. and in order to understand and learn to accept your boundaries and limitations, you have to touch them.

* just don't misinterpret the challenge...the challenge isn't too keep up with me, the challenge is to honor yourself and know when to say "fuck you bryan, i'm not doing that."

* the only way to measure your progress in yoga is to stop measuring your progress...

virtual reality???

2009-02-05T00:56:00.008-05:00

for the most part i am a fan of facebook and other social networking sites...
(facebook is my current favorite.)

thanks to the wonders of the internet i have connected with some truly BUDDHAful souls that i probably would not have had the opportunity to meet otherwise...
whole new worlds and experiences have been opened up to me all with one little click of the mouse.

but i've recently been reminded that this is a "virtual" world.

we can talk to people and think that we know them but in truth we only really *virtually* know them...

i think that i represent myself accurately in the virtual world.
i don't hide things about my life.
nor do i try to make any part of me or my life look better than it actually is.
i am for truth in all areas of my life.

but the truth is that no matter how accurately i portray myself...or how accurately someone else portrays themselves...images get distorted through the screen not of our computers but the screen of our minds...

as my friend nicole recently reminded me, "we do not see things as they are, we see them as we are..." ~ anias nin

at the end of the day there really is no way to know how the

person(s) on the other side of the computer screen is interpreting our words...pictures...comments...blogs...

"i bottle emotions and place them into the sea for others to unbottle on distant shores. i am unsure as to whether they ever reach and for that matter as to whether i ever get my point across...or my love..." ~ saul williams

and so i guess what i am asking is for all of you to recognize that i am more than the image you see on your computer screen...i am much more complicated than my yoga loving, raw food eating, bliss living virtual appearance....

i am a real flesh and blood woman.
my feelings can be hurt as easily as the next person
i have moments of intense anger
and i can go from 0 to bitch in 60 seconds if you push me too far
i have days filled with sadness
and nights when the loneliness is palpable

i have needs, desires, wants and longings that like most people i do not always communicate as effectively as i could...

i am far from perfect and i have many flaws...all of which i believe are what make me truly beautiful...

i read once that when the japanese mend broken objects they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. they believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful...

and so the truth is if you want to know me...not just virtually...but really know me, we will need to meet me in person one day...

and then...

when we talk you will be able to watch the play of emotion move across my face and there will be no mistaking the intent of my words...

when we sit together you will observe the openness of my body and my willingness to receive all that you have to offer in love and friendship...

when we hug you will feel the warmth of my body and heart and know that i really am who i say i am...... ME.

With Grace ~ Shayla McCallum

something as simple as boys and girls...

2009-01-28T02:08:00.011-05:00

"something as simple as boys and girls
gets tossed all around and lost in the world..."

a few months ago it occurred to me that the potential to fall in love with someone is there with more people that we encounter than we realize.

i have come to realize that it often comes down to circumstance and timing...

do we meet a particular person at the right time with the right surrounding circumstances?

we also have to be open to it...

and in this case i don't mean being open to love in general...i mean being open to love with that particular person.

the truth is most people, if you take the time to get to know them are brilliant and very loveable.

but we all for one reason or another make quick assessments of people and decide whether we will love a person or not without ever really giving most people a chance or taking the time to get to know them.

it's got me thinking that maybe soap operas have something right after all...

if you've ever watched a soap opera you know that almost every couple gets together after being trapped together somewhere under some circumstance for a prolonged period of time which forces them to get to know each other in ways they never would have otherwise and by the end they realize that they are madly in love with one another.

ok so i realize that soap operas do it in a way too dramatic sense but there is something to it...

loving someone is really so simple but we all make it so complicated...i have found that it really is much harder not to love someone than it is to love them.

but somewhere along the way as we grow older, mostly because of past hurts, bruises, and heartbreaks we forget how easy it is to love.

we create an idea in our head of what love is, and how our love will look and act...we even decide ahead of time what love will feel like...but each love feels different.

for the most part we immediately dismiss anyone who does not match up with our vision of what love should be like.

lately i've been thinking...

maybe love is at the end of every road...but most of us stop way short of the end...

maybe we (myself most definitely included) need to take a little extra time to consider our options before we dismiss...

the person standing behind us in the grocery store line.
or the one who holds the door open for us as we enter the bank.

or the one that helps us reach the item on the top shelf in the store that we are too short to reach.

or the one we accidentally bump into at the bookstore because we were engrossed in a book.

or the one in our regular yoga class that we've never even said hello to.

or the one sitting at the corner table with a laptop when we stop in starbucks to grab a coffee.

the ancient yogis believed:

"that like the wind and the rain, love surrounds us...all we have to do is feel it..."

imagine if all we needed to do to find the love we all long for is to take a look around and remember that LOVE is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent...

"and we may never meet again,

so shed your skin let's get started..."

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

the dark side of the light chasers...

2009-01-25T23:48:00.014-05:00

"dark doesn't only mean negative, it refers to something that is out of the light of our conscious awareness" ~ debbie ford "the dark side of the light chasers"

it's been an interesting week to say the least!

it was one of those weeks where everything i have come to know and believe and love about others was tested and questioned...

after a week of tears, anger, frustration and such high emotional angst that i had days that i was literally physically shaking...i have come to terms with all that has happened and i have let go and embraced it all as a painful but necessary learning experience...shall we call this a lesson learned...

mid-week i found myself feeling the need to create boundaries and push potentially great people away because i was feeling weak and bruised by the emotional blows i had been dealt by a few people who i loved and trusted not to use or hurt me.

the negative acts of a few caused me to question every one's intentions...

i began to question how my acts were being perceived...were my intentions being questioned...was i really getting my point across...or my love?

i pride myself on being intuitive and a good judge of character but i've come to realize that i am occasionally blinded by the light that i want to see in others.

so much so that i have made it my business to help other's identify their passions and gifts and hopefully give them the right tools to help them shine as brightly as possible!

this is my dharma...this is my way of spreading light out into the world...

i have had to realize this week that there are those who, whether with conscious intention or not will take advantage of a situation and suck others dry in a vain and futile attempt to juice their own ego.

it has taken me sometime to process this week's occurrences and to discern just what it is i am to learn and how to proceed from here.

what i have decided is this...

i believe that at our core we are all good people who are beautiful and bright beings of light.

i believe that we all have shadow stuff that inhibits that light from shining as brightly as it could.

i believe that the dark shadows of our soul that lie outside of the circle of our conscious awareness can cause us to act in ways that are not always as beautiful as they could be and often do harm to others.

i have learned that nothing we do is ever as harmless as we would like to think it is...

and so at the end of a week filled with dark moments i am choosing to look beyond other's shadows whether they are aware of them or not...and let their light move through me and beyond me as i wish them well and let them go on their way....

i will not let the light be overshadowed by the dark.

let go and begin anew...

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

pleasant fiction...

2009-01-18T18:30:00.010-05:00

i just want something beautiful
i wanna look in your eyes
i wanna listen to you sing my favorite song and cry
i wanna reach into your oceans
i wanna calm your sea and your storms
i wanna let you take a hold of this sinking ship and lead me home

but i am not what you need
only so much stronger
you are such a pleasant fiction to me
so i guess that i'll dream of you a little longer

i wanna pack up and move with you
and never look behind
i wanna take your hand as we chase down the skyline
i wanna tell you my stories
and wake you up in the middle of the night
i want you to tell me i'm wrong
and i just want you to smile at me when i'm right

but i am not what you need
only so much stronger
you are such a pleasant fiction to me
so i guess that i'll dream of you a little longer
a little longer

don't wanna take the light from your eyes
but it would be nice if i could hold you tight
while we lay in the sand
you could love what's left of this lonely woman

but i am not what you need
only so much stronger
but you are such a pleasant fiction to me
so i guess i'll dream of you a little longer

and i am not what you need
only so much more
but you are such a pleasant fiction to me
i guess i'll dream that you're here to keep me warm
keeping me warm...

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

pull me out from inside...

2009-01-13T23:09:00.014-05:00

for most of us life often gives us more reasons to fold in than it does to unfold...

i have many reasons for my fears about love and my past (...this is a bit of a work in progress still) belief that love always leaves...

i have reasons why i have chosen to spend so much of my life alone...

i have reasons (faulty wiring of the neurons from a very early age and such) why when i did choose to be with someone i often chose men who's response to "i love you" was "thank you"

i have even more reasons for turning away from men who said "i love you" to me

i am folded...and unfolded...and unfolding i am.

the important thing is...

i am ready to let go of all of these reasons and allow love to come to me...

i am ready to not be alone anymore...

i am ready to trust someone to be there fore me...

i am ready to believe that they will stick around...
i am ready to move into the flow of love...

i am ready to be pulled out from the inside...

i am ready...i am.

i am color...blind

coffee black and egg white

pull me out from inside

i am ready

i am

taffy stuck, tongue tied

stuttered shook and uptight

pull me out from inside

i am ready

i am...fine

i am covered in skin

no one gets to come in

pull me out from inside

i am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding

i am color...blind

coffee black and egg white

pull me out from inside

i am ready

i am...fine

i am.... fine

i am fine

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

holding space...

2009-01-09T23:20:00.013-05:00

since my last blog post about feeling that i am ready for love and a relationship i have gotten all sorts of comments and emails and had many conversations with friends who want to give me advice on how to find my next lover.

it's been suggested that i get dressed nicely and go work at a bookstore or coffee shop instead of my home.

that i should try to find a speed dating event in my area.

that i go out to a nice restaurant and eat lunch or dinner by myself at the bar.

that i should try online dating.

and so on, you get the point.

but here's the thing, i am not *looking* for love...

i am holding space for love...

now before i get bombared with comments or emails telling me that there is nothing wrong with the above methods, let me say that i am not saying that there is...i'm just not into any of those things right now, maybe i will change my mind down the road...

i know people have a lot of success with all the mentioned methods but i am not sure that they are for me. especially not online dating.

i met someone through msypace over a year ago, it was not intentional.

we met through a mutual friend's site and we seemed to have a lot in common.

we even talked on the phone for a few weeks often for hours a day and when we weren't talking we were texting.

about a month or so after we started talking on the phone, he flew all the way out here to meet me...and from the second i met him...nothing...there was absolutely no chemistry.

he was totally cute, he looked exactly like he did in his pics but there was no zazazooo.

i agree that love runs much deeper than the physical surface...but it all plays a part.

energy and physical chemistry are hugely important in romantic relationships and without it all you have is a frienship.

i called my sisters when i was on my way home from meeting him and they all said the same thing, give it time maybe the attraction will grow.

but it has never worked that way for me.

either it's there or it's not.

is it possible that i could accidently find love online...sure...
what i'm saying is i'm not going looking for it online or any where else for that matter.

i am holding space and allowing love to come...
the source is less important than the man himself.

also, let me clarify that just because i am physically attracted or feel chemsitry with someone does not mean i want to date them, i also need to be intellectually stimulated...because at the end of the day "i will not fall in love with your bones and skin...i will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind."

anyway, after that online experience it was confirmed in my mind that online dating was not for me. i love people, i find their stories fascinating and i find it easy to talk to most people, especially those of like mind and who live similar lifestyles...but talking does not a relationship make.

so i thank you all for your suggestions...

but for right now i would like love to come to me in a more organic way.

i want to allow it to flow and happen in it's own way and it's own time...

as my beautiful friend vince said in his comment on my last blog "there is one that will enter into your glow and both of you will dance in wonderful rhythm. let it happen yogini… "

i am holding space...remaining open...allowing...and letting it happen...that's all that i need to do for right now...

With Grace ~ Shayla McCallum

the lover comes...

2009-01-07T02:59:00.009-05:00

"when the beloved is ready the lover will appear..."

that is my love version of the ancient spiritual saying: "when the student is ready the teacher will appear."

they say love comes when you're not looking.
but as humans we long for connection so i don't believe we are ever really not looking.

maybe there are times when a good amount of our focus is on something else...but i believe there is always a part of us that is thinking about love; even when we have convinced ourselves that we are not open to it...

when we are in a happy and fulfilling relationship...it feels good, all is right in the world.
when we are in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship...we think about how we can make it better...or we start to look elsewhere.
and when we are single...we dream about love...and look for it everywhere...

for the past few months i have been immersed in my work...and yet if i am honest there have been many days when the lack of romantic love in my life is pervasive and the longing is deep.

like most i have not always had the healthiest relationships.
i won't go into the details of my past relationships and what went wrong, this is not the time or the place.

i have also been known to close up and not even be open to the possibility of love.
in fact until just a few months ago, i was probably the most closed off i had ever been.

if you had asked me over the summer why i was single...i would have said because "i'm not interested, i don't even think about love."

if you said, what about marriage or children...i would have said "i'm not sure i want either."

lucky for me, over the late summer / early fall i had a series of bodywork sessions that opened my body in ways it never had been before...and i have come to realize that being alone is no way to be.

i am now sure that i want both a marriage and children.

for the first time in my life i can honestly say "i am ready for love."

if you know me or have read any of my previous blogs you know that i am a big believer that "what you think...so shall it be..."
which is why i am sharing this very blog and have been telling the universe daily that i am ready for my beloved to show up.

i have also made it clear to the universe that at this point in my life i am only interested in someone who is 100% available and present.

because i am ready for ridiculous...inconvenient...consuming...can't live without you...real love!

With Grace ~ Shayla McCallum

for the love of suffering and the inevitability of success...

2008-12-14T19:23:00.008-05:00

day 83
meditations from the mat

"...and in the days that followed, i reflected on the place i have assigned my own art in my life. were someone to see my life on the big screen, would the boldness with which i have embraced my dharma be inspiring? what steps am i not taking, and why? yoga tells us the time is now. we already have everything we need to be magnificent; it is simply a matter of allowing ourselves to be who we are. suffering comes from our own resistance to being who we are. and so i am brought back to the questions of how and why i am choosing to suffer. having felt the joy of doing what i was meant to do, and having witnessed that joy in others as they allow themselves to stand authentically in the world, i can only wonder: from whence comes this attachment to suffering? what beliefs hold me back? what patterns drain me? do i trust the inevitability of success when i say YES to my dharma? yoga teaches us to ask these questions and to have faith that, if we are on a spiritual path, the time for asking questions will be temporary. the questions will be followed by answers, the answers by action, and the action by growth."
~ rolf gates

i read this last night and it was divine timing because i have recently come to realize that like many others, i am much better at sabotaging all areas of success in my life than allowing the things that are good for us to take a firm foothold.

there are days that i feel like i am top of the world, i feel alive and inspired and everything flows...

and then there are days when i sit for endless hours not really accomplishing anything at all.
ironically the hardest days come right after a major success.

i am literally paralyzed by the inevitability of my success...

i am sure if i had the time or was in the mood...i could go into my life story which would uncover some deep psychological wounds as to why i fear success and money...but is any of it really relevant?

we all have reasons why we are attached to suffering and we all have ways in which we sustain our suffering...

for some of us it is in our relationships...familial, romantic, frienships, work, etc...for some it is our body image...our obsession with food and the inability to control our eating habits (either over eating or under eating)...or wanting to have a healthy body, knowing that exercise is the way to accomplish that and not being able to commit to a program (or exercising too much)...for some it is our addictions to drugs, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes...and the list goes on and on...
for most of us it is combination of some or all of these things.

humans have found many ways to suffer...and even more ways to sustain that suffering, even when we say we don't like to suffer...we do...in fact we love it...we are addicted to the stuff!

i don't deny that uncovering the truths of who we are is important work but it is just as important that we don't get hung up on the stories that make up this life... "there is the this of where i've been and the that of going nowhere."

i am at a place in my life where the story of why i am the way i am is less important to me than recognizing the parts of myself that need be changed so i can own my power and step firmly into my authentic place in this world.

moving forward...

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum

Is the Sound of God the Sound of Breathing?

2008-12-11T02:08:00.013-05:00

this is by far one of the most amazing videos i have ever seen!

rob bell is a beautiful, highly intelligent, gifted and clearly enlightened human being.

Please take 15 minutes out of your day to watch, don't judge...don't just watch part and think you know what it's about...be OPEN...I gaurantee that whatever you get from it; it will be 15 minutes of your life well spent. :)

I discovered this video a few months ago and I have watched it 100's of times; and it never gets old...I still get goose bumps...

With Love & Grace ~ Shayla McCallum

throwing stones at a mirror...

2008-12-10T02:10:00.017-05:00

"i want to hold you close so we can cry out with loving...

you would rather throw stones at a mirror...

well i am the mirror and here are the stones." ~ rumi

i heard someone say once that "a good photographer should make you fall in love with yourself"

it occurred to me tonight as i lay here trying to fall asleep that so should and does a good lover.

in the past i have been fortunate to have men in my life who have made me feel like the most beautiful human being / a divine goddess of passion and purity......in their presence i was a big beautiful ball of glowing light...when i was around them i felt like i was literally vibrating at the frequency of love...

have you noticed that when you are loved you feel incredibly beautiful and sexy even on your worst day...

i have also heard it said that when you are in a deeply loving and spiritual relationship you should be a mirror for one another.

so the question i am asking myself these days is this, "are you in love with the other person...or are you in love with yourself...the perfect image that their mirror reflects back to you?"

have you noticed that when a relationship ends...you feel like the most unattractive, least sexy person...you begin to question everything about yourself...you feel ugly from the inside out.

what happened to your beautiful reflection?

do we miss them or our beautiful reflection?

i wonder if this is what causes all the hurt and anger?

and then in our anger we lash out and usually end up shattering the mirror and now when we look at that person, we no longer like what we see...all we see is a distorted and broken reflection...

but the question is this...who caused the first crack in the mirror?
or was the crack there all along, but we were too blinded by the light of the illusion of perfection to notice it?

so here's the make or break question of any love relationship...whether it be romantic or some other form...

can you put your broken pieces back together and learn to love yourself and the mirror with all your flaws and future moments of imperfection???

i had to make a little addition to this blog because i just read my horoscope for this week and it is unbelievalby fitting...
Virgo Horoscope for week of December 11, 2008
After meditating on how best to energize your love life, I decided to direct you to this passage from John Welwood's book Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart: "Everyone knows perfect love in their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through which absolute love pours into this world. At the same time, human relationships are imperfect expressions of that love. This creates a painful gap between the perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways it is expressed in our relationships. When we imagine that relative human love should be something it is not -- absolutely unconditional -- we suffer disappointment and wind up distrusting love itself. We also hold grievances against others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not having won that love. This gives rise to a universal human wound -- the sense of not feeling loved for who we are."

awakening the lotus seed within...

2008-12-05T19:58:00.007-05:00

"awaken the lotus seed within, inviting it to blossom above the murky waters, as the lotus unfolds its many petals the true beauty that is the essence of your spirit emerges."

every experience and every person in my life have all worked together in beautiful harmony to create the masterpiece that i am today.

i recently posted some old pics on my facebook from my younger days; many were from the 6+years i spent bartending in the miami club scene. i posted these pictures for all my bartending buddies that i am still friends with or have reconnected with through facebook as a trip down memory lane. i thought i had set the albums so only a few could see them but it was late when i was posting them and well...they ended up being "public" for a few hours until i woke up the next morning and realized what had happened. taken out of context without taking the time to get to know me or my full story i suppose it would be easy for some to judge...and that is exactly what some chose to do.

i am writing this blog because although those pictures were not intended for everyone to see i want to make it clear that i do not believe in hiding nor am i ashamed of ANYTHING in my life!

every step, especially those crazy bartending days have brought me to where i am today and is a big part of the reason i now practice yoga and have chosen to live a 'yogic lifestyle'.

for as long as i can remember i have been interested in delving into the deep and often dark and murky waters of what this life is really all about. i studied the philosophies of yoga for about 10 years prior to begining the physical asana practice...(but i digress...)

so anyway, after years spent in the bar scene watching people attempt to drink away their unhappiness i was compelled to find another way to find the bliss so many search for in a bottle of liqour and/or the other various substances i watched so many of my customers and close friends loose themselves in...night after night...

so if someone wants to judge me based on a few pictures that they know nothing about without taking the time to get to know me or my story...then let them. i was young, i had ridiculous amounts of fun and made a lot of life long friends who will never judge me for where i've been and are proud of how far i've come!

isn't yoga about being honest about who we are and where we've been?

one of the teachers i respect most is rolf gates...if you have not read 'meditations from the mat' do so, it is an amazing book! i have met rolf in person and studied with him and i can tell you that he is one of the most present, gentle, compassionate and aware humans i have ever met...he is one of the few who has truly learned to live his practice instead of just talking about it...he is the personification of yoga. in his book, rolf openely admits to his not so 'perfect' past of being an alcoholic and that he practices yoga today because he nearly drowned himself in alcohol.
and there are countless other yogis and amazing spiritual teachers who are who they are and have learned the lessons that they did because of their sometimes murky past...

this is why the lotus flower is a symbol for yoga...the real beauty and miracle of a lotus flower is that it starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. it slowly grows up towards the waters surface continually moving towards the light. once it comes to the surface of the water the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower.

don't we practie yoga to learn non-judgement, compassion and LOVE?

aren't we supposed to be trying to see the inner beauty that lies within all of us rather than making assesments/judgements based only on surface appearances?

is my past the brightest it could have been...maybe not...but it is not dark either just a little less light than my present......but isn't this moment a little less light than the next?

i am proud of where i've been...how far i've come...where i am...and all that i will be...

"when it comes to music(life) one easily discerns between notes hammered down and a natural rhythm that evokes a sense of uniqueness and joy.
in order to revise a song(life) we must first understand how each note(experience) enhances the entire piece."

darkness...light...and space...

2008-11-21T00:27:00.002-05:00

they gave me a map when i walked in and as per my normal inclination i started to open it so i could map out exactly where i wanted to go and what exhibits i wanted to see.
but inspired by a friends blogs and his often unplanned...unmapped adventures...i decided to do away with the map and just wonder and be :)

shortly after i got there i was on the second floor aimlessly wondering by myself and a guy who worked there stopped me and said "wait you have to go in there first."

i stopped glanced over at him and with an inquisitive but weary look on my face and said "where?"

he took hold of my hand and led me around a corner into a hallway of total darkness...
i could feel fear begin to creep over me...
after all i was by myself, being led into darkness by a man i did not know...
but as we turned the corner out of darkness...1000's of little tiny lights began to flicker and glimmer before my eyes...
and he said "here..."

stepping into this room was like nothing i had ever experienced.
within seconds it was as if all of my senses had been stripped from me.
all external noise fell away...
i was surrounded by light but couldn't see anything but complete darkness...

i don't know how long i stood there frozen with a whirlwind of thoughts and lights floating around me...
but at one point my guide on this beautiful journey, gently took my hand, placed it on the wall next to me and said "here use this until you get your bearings..."

i was afraid to take a step because although in my head i knew they were there...to my eyes there appeared to be no floor...no walls...no ceiling...

nothing there but darkness...light...and space...

at first i walked tentatively around the room not trusting what i could not see...
but then my amazing guide said "it's ok...look if you move through the middle there will be more light..."
and arms outstretched like a bird he zigged and zagged all around the room and he was right...like magic...there was more light...

then he came over to me took my phone and the papers i was holding in my hands from me and said "try it."

tears came to my eyes as i did as he suggested...and with outstretched arms i danced and twirled around the room until i started to laugh uncontrollably...

my guide started to laugh as well and he said "it's fun isn't it?"

my only reply was "thank you!"

i was in the middle of the sky....
i was flying...
and i was FREE ~~~

with love & grace ~ Shayla McCallum